I've always been a fan of love. Its something I believe in. Its something I've looked for and even found a couple of times in a couple of different ways. But, I'm still having trouble in that category of life. I know how it feels to be with someone you love. Someone you care for from deep within your being. The kind of love that makes your fingers and toes tingle. The love that puts a smile on your face when a certain someone walks in the room... or when their name is mentioned. I've experienced those feelings in two relationships I've had... and what gets me is that I know there should be "one love" that is most powerful... but when I compare the two, there isn't a winner and loser. One isn't better than the other. They are simply different. And that's confusing the hell out of me.

One of my two real encounters with love was with Lindsay. The other was with my present day best friend, Jessie. Lindsay has since vacated the room she was leasing in my heart... and Jessie has stuck with me through the ordeal. You see, Jessie and I dated many moons ago before we were best friends. We were together in a relationship sort of way for about three months. For some reason... I felt claustrophobic and broke it off. I think I may have broken her heart. For reasons that I can no longer remember, we later decided to resume our physical relationship. It was an interesting deal that went on for many moons... and although we weren't publicly "dating," we were spending more and more quality time with each other. We got to know one another is every way possible and became best friends. This is where I got myself in trouble.

One night last year, we were spending some quiet time together when I told her that I loved her. Whoops. Yes, I meant it with all my heart... but I wasn't sure how. You can love people in lots of different ways... and I loved my friend in a way that I hadn't experienced before. I enjoy being with her. We get along wonderfully. She puts up with my shit like no other. :-)

Well, the summer ended and I went back to school. It was then that I met Lindsay. Everything that I described earlier happened for me when it came to Lindsay. It made my day to see her. I loved being with her. And although I'm a talker... I found myself listening more and talking less when I was around her (and I thought that was a good thing). In other relationships, I found myself smothered at times... but not with Lindsay. Of course, she turned weird on me and we decided to part ways. Some would say the fact that Lindsay went crazy and that Jessie is still here points to a winner. But even though I'm a big "winner-loser" type of guy... is there a winner when it comes to matters of the heart? I don't know what the hell I'm saying. This goes to show how confused this makes me sometimes... that and I'm sleep deprived just a smidgen.

I guess I'll call it quits for now and try to make sense of this later.

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