deadline pressure: chapter one

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peak:

I had a nice chat with a new friend on Sat.

valley:

I didn't do much on Saturday. I got up early enough but sat on my ass almost all day.

noise:

A whole bunch of MP3s. I list the highlights below.

talked to:

My brother.

thoughts:

Sleep.
Love.

	Sunday, june 4th
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Quote Du Jour: "So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life."

If it's not one thing, it's another with me. Lately, I've been a frikkin' insomniac. It's not that I can't sleep, really. It's that I don't want to sleep. A few days ago, I stayed up all night cleaning house (all night as in the sun was up when I was done with the chores). When I set my mind to something, I don't give up. And with this, I didn't. I got the job done and screwed up my sleep pattern in the process.

It's been several days since the all-night cleaning party... but I'm still not a big fan of sleep. At most, I've gotten five hours in the last three or four days and those hours usually happen while the sun is shining outside. My body is starting to complain about it... but my mind is all to happy to stay awake. I love to contemplate stuff. I consider my ability to think one of my greatest gifts... and yet, it causes me most of my problems. :-) I've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships lately (take a look at the previous two entries for proof) and I've come up with a few answers... but more often than not, I've come up with some pretty good questions. That's okay. I'm a journalist. I like questions.

Some of my major questions are (a) What am I looking for in a mate? (b) Why can't I be happy with what I've had in the past? (c) If what I've felt for people in the past isn't right... what's having "the one" gonna be like? (d) What if "the one" has come and gone?

I have some idea about the answer to (a). I want someone that listens to what I have to say... but is able to form her own thoughts and opinions, too. I want someone that I can lay in bed with and not say a thing and feel like I've just had the best conversation of my life. But dammit, what if I already had that with Lindsay and Jessie? Well, Lindsay is no longer an option because she went ape shit on me... but Jessie is still here. I'm just not sure about that one... Jessie was my first grown up relationship. And although I was still in high school, our relationship didn't work that way. But I got clausterphobic and bailed. We became best friends after that... and that's screwed up my whole thought process of resuming a romantic relationship with her ever since.

Perhaps the best way to explain this is to pull some text from an offline journal I started last year. (This is the first time these words have seen the light of day or have been read by anyone else.)

2:37 AM 10/10/99 (Sunday) I need film and was kinda craving a lunchable, so i went to Wal-Mart and picked up those things. As I was driving around I gave great consideration as to what it is I'm searching for in a woman... and wether or not I already have that in Jessie.

I remember when we were dating and it dawned on me that I could see myself with no other. That's scared the shit out of me... and led to us breaking up. She is my best friend in the whole world. I can trust her with anything... and we get along wonderfully. I would do anything for her... and we've done just about everything together. I have a love for her... but I've had a terrible time describing this love to myself. I'm not sure what kind it is.

When we are together, we are as one. We just work well as a team. So if all this is true -- which it is -- why do I look elsewhere for love... it seems as though its standing right in front of me. (okay, actually the computer is right in front of me... but you get the idea).

This summer, I spent a lot of time with Jessie at her apartment. It almost seemed domesticated... and it worked. We had a lot of fun. I felt comfortable there and at home. Some of the same scary feelings come back that I felt in our first relationship... but not as strong... and the feelings of wanting love are stronger. My only fear there is that perhaps I'm reading love into what is a really good friendship... could it be that we are only meant to be best of friends?

I was talking to Zoë tonight and she said something to the effect that everything in my life has a sub-plot... that everything is so complex. Maria spoke up with words of wisdom. Don't make everything so deep... stay to the surface. That's great advice. Hopefully, I can heed her words one of these days.

11:21 PM 10/17/1999 (Sunday) Well, the weekend with Jessie is now over. She left from here this afternoon and I've had my mind on other things, although I'm not sure those other things really needed me to think about them, or if was just an excuse not to think about my feelings for Jessie. From time to time, I've pondered the situation... and am still without a final resolution regarding my feelings for her. I had a great time this weekend... I spent Fri & Sat night with her; we watching two wonderful movies and whenever I'm with her... I feel right. However, I'm not sure if I feel right enough. But then again, I think that my mind is just trying to get out of the situation like it did in our last relationship.

After my attempt to go out with Doc didn't work out, I had a realization that Doc wasn't for me. It was a moment of clarity... and it was great. But then, I started looking at others as possible candidates. Perhaps, Doc was always my excuse not to get into a relationship... and now that I know I'm not for her... I'm looking for another excuse. Which leads me to another topic. If I am trying to make excuses, is it because I am afraid of doing something I want to do... or because I feel like I'm about to do something I don't want to do.

In addition to the other candidates, my mind keeps wandering back to something that was said in, "The story of us." It was something along the lines of, if you fuck someone you like them. If you kiss someone, it means you love them. For some reason, I'm not a big kisser in recent years... and Jessie kissed me goodbye before she left. I'm not sure what that meant. I mean, we aren't supposed to be dating... but if we aren't dating, do you kiss someone on the lips? And is there someone that would make me a big fan of kissing again? I'm not sure.

So, it seems like I'm leaning toward Jessie after those entries, huh? Well I was... and that's when I met Lindsay... and she did make me a fan of kissing again. But I'm not sure if it was her or the excitement of kissing someone new -- someone I hadn't known very long. Being with Lindsay felt pretty special... but so did being with Jessie. I just don't know. And as much as I want to know... I don't want to make a hasty decision now and miss the boat later... or not make a decision and miss the boat now.

Damn. I think I need to have my head checked. What do you think?

Highlights of the musical line-up I've been listening to while writing: Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful," Edwin McCain's "I'll Be," Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight," Green Day's "Good Riddance," Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle," Lonestar's "Smile," and Ray Charles' "Georgia."