deadline pressure: chapter one

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peak:

Spending the day
with Jessie. It was a good day.

valley:

That I'm still thinking about this job of mine... I shouldn't be thinking about it, but I am.

noise:

Vince Gill.
CD: "Souvenirs."
* * * * *
The Beatles.
CD: "1962-1966."

talked to:

My mother.

thoughts:

My recent lack of musical variety. So many of my CDs must be feeling lonely.

	Sunday, june 11th
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Quote Du Jour: "But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one (that) compares with you, and these mem'ries lose their meaning when I think of love as something new. Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I'll love you more." (The Beatles, "In My Life")

My house is warm. My mind is cloudy. My neck hurts. I'm tired and a little sleepy. And I'm feeling restless. I returned about an hour ago from an overnight visit to see Jessie. She's doing well. Thanks for asking. Last night, as I lay in bed... I could have written a novel. And again today, I was in the writing mood. Of course, as my luck would have it, now that I'm sitting here in front of the computer... the words just don't want to come out. I hate it when that happens.

My little visit was supposed to be a surprise. She claims she knew that I was coming. She said that she picked up on a few clues here and there... Like me asking her when a meeting she had Saturday would end. I tried to be cool about my inquiries... am I that easy to read? So much for being mysterious and unpredictable. ;-) (2307)

Well, the new job starts in about 24 hours. This is the first job I've ever been nervous about... and what's so weird about that is (a) it's a job that will have me doing stuff I''ve done before and (b) it's for an employer I spent four years working for once upon a time. Why is it bothering me so much!?!

This assignment is only about nine weeks long. And then it will be back to my regular gig at my regular newspaper. I'm pretty confident when it comes to work. I can hold my own with most of my peers. I really know the stuff I know. I mean... I know why stuff is the way it is... and why the way it is is better than the way it was... I should have not given this new job a second thought. But I'm way past the second thought stage... Thank goodness I will have worked a day by this time tomorrow. The worrying should be over by then. At least I hope so. (2320)

The bad news of the day is that spending quality time with Jessie only confuses my life more. I love spending time with her. But time spent with her and time spent with Lindsay can't even compare. It's not that one is better than the other... it is that they are so different. And when things are nothing alike, how can you tell which one you are supposed to be shooting for?

I've been told that I'm a different person depending on who I am with... I never wanted to believe it when others said so... but I've started to see it for myself and I might just believe it. For example, when I'm with Jessie, I feel very comfortable... and regardless of what I say or do, she'll usually put up with me. But I'm bad about sticking to my old ways when I'm around her. I don't try new things with her. She's noticed. I've noticed it. On the other hand, when I'm with the people I spend most of my time with (who live about 200 miles from Jessie), I'm a little different. I don't feel as comfortable, but I am more willing to try new things.

On the inside, I feel like I'm the same person either place I'm at... but I do feel like I come across differently... and it's one of many things that's confusing the hell out of me. (2342)

Many of my friends say, "you'll know love when you feel it." Yep, and I've also been told that I'll know when to exit the interstate when I see the sign. Of course, the sign I'm supposed to see is the one I usually miss. I just hope my pals are right... and that I know it when I feel it... because love is the one sign that I don't want to miss. (2348)