deadline pressure: chapter one

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peak:

My project at work is moving along nicely.

valley:

I feel like crap. Okay, not crap exactly... but I'm not feeling well.

noise:

Ray Charles.
"Georgia"
* * * * * *
Joe Cocker.
"You Are So Beautiful"

talked to:

My brother.

thoughts:

Sleep.
Work.

	tuesday, june 13th
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Quote Du Jour: "I can't imagine any greater fear than waking up without you here. And though the sun would still shine on, my whole world would all be gone -- but not for long. If I had to run, if I had to crawl, if I had to swim a hundred rivers just to climb a thousand walls... Always know I'd find a way to get where you are. There's no place that far." (Sara Evans, "No Place That Far")

Gee whiz... I'm whipped. No, not that kind of whipped. ;-) I mean as in being tired. I also have a headache coming on and my neck is bothering me. I hate to feel bad... especially when it's pain I can't see.

I know that sounds weird, but if my finger hurts, it's not so bad usually. I can see what's wrong... I might even know how to fix the problem. With a headache or neck pain, I can't see the problem. I don't know how to fix it. All I can do it pop a couple of gelcaps and wish for the best. Well, I just popped the pills... and I'm now wishing for the best. We'll see what happens. (0048)

Lesson O' The Day: Pay attention to the quote/lyric du jour... it doesn't always change. I was sidetracked Monday and was lacking inspiration in the form of quotes/lyrics and accidentally left Sunday's quote up. Sorry about that. My mind has not been functioning properly lately... (0050)

Well, the first day on the job came and went without major incident. I did report to work at the time I was supposed to... only to find that the person I was supposed to meet wasn't there. So, I didn't start the new job for another hour and a half.

It's weird going back to work at this paper. I spent four years there once upon a time... and didn't really miss it. That's nothing against the paper... but so much as changed in the years I've been away from it. The building looks the same... and smells the same... and sounds the same. But the people are different... and it feels like I'm from another time. So much has happened in my life since I left this paper. I know the paper isn't the same. And I know I'm not the same. I feel as though this temporary gig should be a reunion, but in many ways... it's more like two strangers meeting for the first time.

I was back in the pressroom Monday afternoon... and it hasn't changed a bit. As I emerged from the shop and into the office, for a brief moment it was as though nothing had changed... That the events of the last two years (I left the paper in 1998) hadn't taken place... And then I saw one or two of the new faces and I knew that time had indeed passed. It's not a big deal to me... but it's sort of a cruel joke to play on the mind. (0057)

One thing that scares the shit out of me is that the few people that are still at the paper haven't changed much since I worked with them last. In the past two years, I've been on top of the world at times and felt like the world was sitting on my chest at other times. I've traveled to so many new places and have gone back to see some old places again. I've laughed and cried. I've met a bunch of new friends. I've felt new feelings and emotions. I've experienced so many new things. I'm a different person.

As much as I wish some of the bad things of the past two years hadn't happened... I'm glad I was able to see and experience all that I have... and I want to see and experience more stuff. I'm so afraid that I will grow up and be content with the world around me. This world is so big... and there are so many things to see and do and feel. I'm climbing the mountain right now... and every time I stop to take stock on my life, I want to know that I've climbed a little bit higher... but that the peak is still ahead of me. And I don't ever want to reach the peak just to find out that it wasn't a mountain at all... just a plateau... and all I have to look forward to is the same thing day in and day out. (I also don't want to reach the peak and slide down the other side. lol.)

Maybe there will come a day when I'll be happy to "just be." But I can't see that day coming any time soon... and I don't really want to think of myself as someone that would accept that outlook on things.

I had a friend (a senior in college) tell me not too long ago that she was ready to graduate and get into the "real world." She said that she had had all the fun she was going to have. She was ready to work. Is she crazy or am I? I don't think life should ever stop being fun. Work should be fun. You and your spouse should have fun. Your kids should be fun. Life should still be fun. Why am I the only person in the world that thinks that you can be responsible, mature and "grown-up" all while having the time of your life? (0116)