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peak:

Dang it. I keep writing these things so early in the day... during my "pre-high hours." :-)


valley:

I lack the ability to get my ass in the bed on time. Argh!


noise:

I'm watching the Real World / Road Rules Challenge on MTV.


talked to:

Jessie. 


thoughts:

I'm wondering how many real people are as stupid as the people on 'reality' TV shows.


friday, june 16th

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Quote Du Jour:
"If you were another person, would you be a friend of yours?"


That quote is on the wall at a newspaper where a buddy of mine works. It's a damn good quote. One of those that can really provoke some thought... because at first, you instinctly say, "sure, I'd be my own friend."

But think about it a little more. Think about your "quirks" and the different aspects of your personality. Would you really be your own friend? By reading some of the entries I've written in this journal... and looking back on how I've acted during the ups & downs of the year, there are times that I would not have been my own friend. But I think that is actually a good thing. It lets me see some areas that might need a little work. And if there is one that that I most definitely am... it's a work in progress. (0159)


With Lindsay, I could lay beside her... and look into her green eyes... and stroke her face... and hold her... and kiss her... I would be so involved in the moment that I wouldn't say a word. I didn't need to. I loved moments like that because it felt as though -- for a few minutes -- that we were one.

With Jessie, those moments haven't been there. And maybe if they were, this would be over and done with... and she would be much more than just my best friend. But trying to create those moments with her doesn't feel as natural. That bothers me. I want them to feel natural.

It seems that with Jessie, we are either best platonic buddies or something much different... There is no middle ground... And I think it's the missing middle ground where romantic love lives and is shared...

Or maybe I'm just nuts. (0252)
I've had my two-year-old cousin spending some time at my house for the last couple of days. She's the cutest thing in the world and pretty smart, too. She turned two this month and she can count to ten and sing the A, B, C's. I'm not sure what other two-year-old's are out there doing... but I'm impressed.

It has also been a little weird having her around. You see, I haven't seen her since she spent a couple of days here for New Year's Eve 1999... and that was an interesting time for me.

Lindsay had driven up to spend New Year's Eve with me and my family and a friend of mine. It was two days after she talked me into some sex that I didn't plan on having (it was the first time in our relationship)... and it was when she put the love pressure on me for the first time. As we lay in bed in the early morning hours of January 1st, she told me she loved me. Initially, I felt the pressure to tell her the same thing. I gave into the pressure and said the words "I love you" for the first time to her. I wasn't sure in my mind that I meant them. However, the feeling that came over me gave me a hint that I meant them in my heart... and that's what is important. That event was a biggie for me simply because I don't throw the word "love" out very often... and it was a moment that would provide me much confusion when the relationship eventually went south. (0217)

Sorry for the missing entry Thursday. I've got a couple of different projects going... and sometimes, finding time to get some writing in is a bit tough.

I must say that being able to sit down and do some writing has helped me in so many ways. For a good while there, I had so many thoughts and feelings inside of me... and no outlet for their escape. I've got some of the best friends in the whole world, but I don't think they always understand me very well... and so sometimes, I find it hard to talk to them. Of course, I don't hold it against them... because many times, I don't understand myself. :-) (0223)
I'm not sure what the hell my problem has been lately. It's like my brain waves aren't getting to their destination. They've been shooting out from my brain but don't ever get to where they are going. My thoughts have gone from structured and specific... to very random but sensible... to random and crazy, lately. I've also felt the need to crawl the walls lately... I've been so restless. I can't just do one thing. I don't mind keeping busy... but I just wish I knew why I've been acting the way I have. (0210)
A BIG thank-you to Michele (of "Island of Calm" fame) for giving me a mention on her site (which you must visit). I appreciate it. From reading her pages, she seems like a pretty cool gal... and her site looks sharp and reads well, too. Go ahead. Click on the link. Her site will open up in a new window. I'll still be here when you come back. ;-) It will be worth the effort. (0312)

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