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peak:

Went to school & talked with some friends I hadn't talked to in a while.


valley:

Seeing Lindsay for the first time in more than a month was a high... but it's a low b/c it's a high.


noise:

Garth Brooks.
CD: The Chase
(The Limited Series)


talked to:

My brother.
What can I say? He's the only one that keeps hours close to mine.


thoughts:

How you have to take the good with the bad... and figuring that it's better than just having the bad.


thursday, june 22nd

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Quote Du Jour:
"The other day I saw a car like you used to drive. I got a funny feeling down deep inside. And for the briefest moment, I felt a smile again. Yes I do think about you every now and then." (Garth Brooks, "Every Now And Then")


While I sat in an alcohol-induced, manic depression-like state on the curb in front of a bar one night, a good buddy of mine repeated the advice he had given me several times before... "Move on."

Those are easy words to say. And believe it or not, in the month that has passed sine he last uttered those words, I've made the first steps. Yet, there are days (like Wednesday) that I've boarded the "Move On Express," only to feel like the train isn't going anywhere... like I'm ready & willing but not moving on. And at times, I'm not sure what's holding it back. Is it a love for Lindsay? Curiosity about why she acted the way she did? The desire for another chance?

Okay. I've got the answer to this one. It's a little bit of number one, a whole lot of number two and absolutely none of number three. Maybe I said it best when trying to describe the situation to a friend one night...

I felt no pressure to have a serious physical relationship with her, but getting into her body was easy... Getting into the places I really wanted to go -- her heart & her mind -- might be impossible. I want to figure her out now as much as I wanted to love her back then. (0215)


I don't know why I torture myself sometimes. Tonight, I was on campus to take care of some business. Lindsay got word that I was in town and called me up. Before I knew it, I was out to dinner with her and a friend. For the last month, I've been working through the thoughts and emotions of my experiences with Lindsay... but I had done it with her miles away... which is pretty easy to do.

Today, I saw those eyes. And smelled that perfume. And I was flooded with memories of happier times. The reality is that those times are in the past. The reality is that she is someone that I can no longer trust because she has such problems with honesty. Reality is a bitch sometimes. It's hard to fathom that a year ago, I didn't know she existed... that six months ago, I thought she had hung the moon... and now, I'm working through these troubles knowing that the person I fell in love with might not even exist anymore. The Lindsay I saw today isn't the same girl she was when I met her. It's as if the person I fell in love with is dead... and someone is trying to fill her place but doing a poor job of it... and that makes me sad. (0221)
Earlier this week, a friend sent me one of those e-mail surveys. You know the type. The ones where you list your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid... and your shoe size... and you're favorite cartoon character... and so forth. On this survey, one of the questions was something along the lines of "What's the best feeling?" My friend answered with "the feeling you get when you are about to kiss someone new."

I had never thought of that one before. And my friend wasn't far off the mark. I'm not sure if I would call that the best feeling in the world, but I'll put it in my Top 10... heck, it might even make my Top 5. I think that may be a great feeling because of the curiosity of what's to come... the anticipation... the fact that it's something you've never done before...

I've said many times that I'm pretty curious about things. For the most part, I like to do new things (except trying new foods -- I'm not a big fan of that). Is this the reason I don't settle down?

I've always liked being young. When you are young, everything is out in front of you. Everything you do is new and exciting. Sure, getting older usually means getting wiser... but what price are we paying for that wisdom? When I went off to college for the first time, I was required to write a journal for my freshman composition class. I remember writing that in the year prior to my graduation, I watched my friends and myself come of age for the first time. We managed to have so many life experiences in our senior year... that so much of what lay ahead of us a year prior to our graduation was behind us by the time we left high school. Sure, there was plenty left to do... but much of our innocence was lost...

I don't long for that innocence to return... and I do not miss it... but I miss the way it felt at times. It's sort of like opening presents on Christmas morning. When you are young, you have all of the presents of your life in front of you to open. You can probably guess what some of them are, but many of them will be surprises as you open them. To continue this analogy, I guess I feel like I've opened quite a few gifts... and have played with them for a while... and the new is wearing off... and although I have one or two favorites already, I am looking for something new to open and play with.

I guess the fact of the matter is that everything gets old. Is my desire to have a constant stream of new experiences a sign of immaturity? Is the scraping noise I hear, me clawing at my youth... trying to hold on? Of course, I'm no geezer. I'm damn young. I'm 22 to be exact. I've got the rest of what I hope to be a long life ahead of me... but I'm having trouble overcoming the fear that it will be a long life of playing with old toys. (0250)
I'm sorry there was no update Wednesday. As I said above, I was out of the state and therefore, I was away from my computer. I'll go ahead and warn you that I'm not sure what the weekend holds, either. I'll be out of town some and don't know what my schedule will be like yet.

Also, I uploaded a new journal index page. If you experience any bugs, please let me know. I tested it with Netscape 4.06 and Explorer 4.0 on my PC and everything seemed okay... but I think my PC smokes crack when I'm not looking (at least it acts that way sometimes)... so I never really know if what I'm seeing is for real or not. :-) (0254)

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