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peak:

A walk with Alex until the wee hours of the morning.


valley:

Not nearly enough sleep.


noise:

Sarah McLachlan.
"I Will Remember You"


sustenance:

Some KFC
chicken strips.


thoughts:

Work.
Love.
Friendship.


wednesday, july 5th

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Quote Du Jour:
"I'm so tired but I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. No, we are screaming inside but can't be heard." - Sarah McLachlan, "I Will Remember You."

The fireworks practically went off without a hitch. We only had one effect tip over on us... and it was a small effect, so the damage to the show & the ground was minimal. The fire department was on hand this time around, which made some people laugh... and made others feel a lot better (myself included).

Even though I had the last three girls I've been involved with in one room, there were no fireworks of the dramatic variety in my house. About 1 a.m., Jessie left for home.... leaving Lindsay and Alex to spend the night (which was the original plan). Alex and I slipped off to take a walk. It was un-frikkin' believable. We both have a tendacy to be full of shit. But every now and then, we have a moment or two when the bull shit leaves and we are very real. I love those moments. They seem so perfect. And when they happen, I never want them to end. (0429)


I guess I should say a few words about Alex.

Alex was the first person I dated when I went off to school at Oakdale. I could never figure out what it was about her that sparked my interest... but I knew that liked her. We went out a couple of times and that was it. We were weird with each other for a few months and that was that.

Then, the plot thickened a bit. In August of last year, we worked side by side in editor-type positions. I still thought she was the neatest thing around. I thought she might have similar feelings about me. We were co-workers, so we didn't entertain the notion of dating. Then, Lindsay came into the picture. For reasons I can't figure out now, I listened to Lindsay when she said, "let's not tell Alex now." Gee, I got suckered, huh? This of course pissed Alex off... As it should have. After all, we were friends... and you are supposed to be honest with your friends, right?

Our friendship has improved so much since then. Those moments where everything seems right keep popping up more and more. And as cool as that is, it's also frustrating because I have no idea what that means. Does it mean that we're really good friends. Or are they more perfect than that? Or am I a bid dumb idiot for even thinking along those lines?

"Alex, I'll take "Big Dumb Idiot" for $500, please."

At the end of our walk tonight, our conversation drifted back to "the two of us" as it had a couple of times earlier in the evening. Alex said something along the lines of, "If our relationship had gone on, we wouldn't have had this." (Meaning our wonderful conversation). That's not how I look at it, and I told her that.

I'm all about the conversation. Don't get me wrong, the hot sex is fun. The dates can all be grand. But without honesty and openness through conversation, you don't have much. I can only hope that when I'm with the person I'll spend the rest of my life with, that I can take long walks and have conversations like I did tonight. I told Alex that if our relationship had progressed, I would hope that what we did tonight would be a big part of it. By that time, we had made it to the house and I didn't really get any feedback from her on that comment. And of course, the walk that I never wanted to end was over. (0441)

One more cool note on the walk... as we were a hundred yards or so from my house, I looked up at the sky -- which was loaded with stars -- and saw a shooting star. I'm not as big of a supporter of omens and such as I once was, but I did think that that was pretty cool. And Alex said the same thing. (0443)
I am not an old person. I am only 22. But this morning, I felt 90. I used to love staying up all night. Working for 24 or 30 hours straight was something that I could do better than anyone. When everyone was dragging, I was speeding up. I was proud that I could do that. In the past year alone, I know I've been awake through two or more days several times. When the sun comes up on day two, I'm usually at my best. Today, I was struggling to hold on. It made me feel old. I don't like that. (1952)

Before last night, I had wondered if having Lindsay up was gonna be weird in any way. The last time she spent the night in my house, she did so in my bed. We were in that early "everything is wonderful" stage of dating. I worried about flashbacks... and old feelings. But, instead, for the first time, I looked at her just as a friend over at my house. Not as a former lover. Not as a love lost. I think that's a good sign. (1955)

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