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peak:

It's been a mediocre day so far (it's 2 p.m.)


valley:

Lack of creativity in my job... and I just can't seem to get motivated.


noise:

Macy Gray.
"I Try"


sustenance:

Coca-Cola.


thoughts:

Getting my butt in gear to get some work done.


thursday, july 6th

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Quote Du Jour:
"Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours." - Swedish Proverb.

I've done so well this summer. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But it has. Hopefully, it won't be this way for long.

I just don't want to do anything. I feel emotionally & mentally tangled in so many thoughts I've been having lately (call it dwelling if you want to)... and I don't want to go out and go to work. I want to sit here and write. I want to absorb myself in slow, sad music. I want to figure everything out. But, I'm about to put myself on a hanger... and store me away in my closet... and pull out my happy little worker persona and put it on... Much like Mr. Rogers and his transition from coat and dress shoes to sweater and sneakers.

This happens much more frequently at school. Maybe it's not so much a bad sign that I'm feeling this way now... maybe it's a good sign that I'm feeling this way much less than if I were at school. (1423)


During our long walk early Wednesday morning, Alex and I had a nice conversation about song lyrics and how some of them apply to us. Maybe it's too much "Real World" I told Alex... Because on that show, they put music to everyone's life events... and I'm always wanting to have a soundtrack for my life, too.

I told her how I thought of her when I first heard Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You." The verse quoted in yesterday's Lyric Du Jour is why. "I'm so tired but I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. No, we're screaming inside, but can't be heard."

As I said before, many times we are so full of shit. I mean that in this way: we can be thinking and feeling one way... and we don't express that to each other. We hide it behind a facade of sorts. It's inside and trying to get out. Every now and then, it escapes (like our walk Wednesday morning)... but most times it stays hidden away. Too many times we are feeling so much and aren't saying a word about it... and there have been times when we've felt something inside and just not been able to convey that to each other. She agreed.

When we got back to my house, she went to bed. I laid in my room and thought about that song some more... and one other that I thought applied to us. With my eyes heavy with sleep, the sun rising on the horizon and her departure only hours away, I wrote her a letter.

I told her how another verse in that song hit home. The verse is in the song's studio cut, but not in the live version. "Remember the good times we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad. How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun. I want to feel your warmth upon me. I want to be the one." I explained how I neglected our friendship when Lindsay came into the picture. How I let the memories of the good times slip away for a while.

The other song I quoted was Bob Seger's "Chances Are." The first verse is "Chances are you'll find me somewhere on your road tonight. It seems I always end up driving by. Ever since I've known you, it just seems you're on my way. All the rules of logic don't apply."

That one is so true. I've never been able to figure out what drew me to Alex. For me, that's not logical... and I love logic. After our couple of dates were behind us, there were few logical reasons for a good friendship to be built... but a very good friendship has been built. And as far as her always being on my way... she is. She keeps popping up in so much that I do. It's very weird. But very cool at the same time. (1416)

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