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peak:

I woke up at a decent hour. (How crummy of a high is that?)


valley:

Argument between my mother and brother went sour... And I had to hear it.


noise:

Now, silence.
Before, an argument.


sustenance:

Tropical punch
Kool-Aid.


thoughts:

Everything.
(Again)


friday, july 14th

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Quote Du Jour:
"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy." - Cynthia Nelms

I'm almost a month and a half into this journal thing and it seems to be going pretty good, but I'm a little worried. Since June 2, I've been able to write a little bit about what's going on presently in my life and much more about what's happened in the past. There was a lot to say. This year has been weird. Now, I'm running out of stories to tell. And it's forcing me to look at what's going on from day to day... and to decide what I want to tell now... and what I want to reveal... I guess I shouldn't worry, though. No one in my inner circle of friends and family even knows this journal exists. (1314)


I love my mother. I think she's wonderful. She's done a wonderful job raising my brother and I by herself. And I'm not trying to be mean. But she's taught me a lot about what not to do when I have kids. I've tried to address these issues with her before, but she gets mad. I guess that is understandable. I just wish she could see my logic.

· If there is a disagreement with one of us, she will always pull stuff from the past to use as ammo. That's wrong. You can't do that. An argument should only include the subject you are arguing about. And if for some reason, my brother or I happen to be making sense in an argument -- calling it winning if you want to -- she will change the subject to something that she's right about. And usually, it's a subject that centers around something my brother or I did wrong once upon a time.

· Also, if she's mad at one of us... she's usually mad at both of us. If I walk into the house after they've had an argument, I see no reason that I should be yelled at. And that holds true if the tables were reversed and my brother was the innocent victim.

· Finally, what's good for her is not always good for us. On the rare occasion that she gets extremely angry... she usually calls up a friend to vent or goes for a drive to see a friend. To her, this is acceptable behavior. She sees no problem about sharing information about the events in our home. However, if she were to catch me confiding in a friend about a family problem, she would be pissed. I know this because it's happened.

I tried to do the right thing and point these out once. But, of course, she interpreted that as me thinking that she can't do anything right. And that couldn't be further from the truth. (1327)
While I'm venting... there is one other thing that bugs the hell out of me. She says she will support me in anything that I do... and I think in her mind, she does... but I'm not always feeling it.

I've had a "real" web site up for more than two years. It gets thousands of hits. It's allowed me to make connections around the world. I'm partial, but I think the site does a wonderful job of entertaining and informing the folks that visit it. To this day, there is still a vibe I get from her that my web page work is just me "playing on the computer." Rarely do I play. I take things way to seriously for that. If I do something, I'm not "playing."

This summer, I've spent some time working to become a certified firefighter. It's been an ambition of mine... and something I think I would really like to do more than the journalism deal. It's something that I would actually love to make a career of. You know... a job. What I get paid to do. Where I go when I leave for work. She says she supports me, but I'm still feeling much of the same sceptism that I feel on the web page deal. It's as if she thinks this is just something I'm goofing around with. I dunno. But it bothers me. (1333)

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