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peak:

Quality time at Jessie's new pad late Saturday night / early Sunday morning.


valley:

It's 5:52 a.m and I'm not in bed yet! I honestly believe I have a mental disorder... and that it's causing me to intentionally wreak havoc on my life.


noise:

I'm watching my music and flipping between VH1 and CMT.


sustenance:

Chocolate Milk. 


thoughts:

Sleep.
Self-destruction.
Getting fired.
School & Alex.
Summer ending.
Jessie.


Sunday, july 30th

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Quote Du Jour:
"I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found. But forever you and I will be the ones who found out what forever means. When I said I do, I meant that I will -- 'til the end of all time -- be faithful and true, devoted to you. That's what I had in mind when I said I do." - Clint Black & Lisa Hartman Black, "When I Said I Do."

Just to let you know, I really can't support this Big Brother stuff. It's not that I am against the so-called reality-based television, because I can get behind The Real World... And I'm actually semi-hooked on Survivor (one of the few network programs I watch). Maybe it isn't the concept that I'm against, but the way they package it. I'm yet to watch an episode start-to-finish and have only seen the show three times... but I'm told that they fill up a lot of time by showing old clips. How boring is that? And the gal they have hosting the show actually thinks she's doing something journalistic (I know because she said so in an interview I watched.) Voyeuristic maybe... but there is no way that it is journalistic.

Regardless of my support for the show (or lack thereof), it gave me some food for thought recently. One of the houseguests is a young virgin and a big fan of cuddling. They brought Dr. Drew (of radio & tv fame) in to analyze it. He said something about it being a way for her to express intimacy or something like that. Although I'm a guy... I'll admit that I do like to cuddle. And it's usually not in a sexual sort of way. I like snuggling close to certain friends of the opposite sex. There is a feeling of closeness there that I enjoy... and it allows barriers to be let down... and conversations to become very sincere...

Saturday night, I went over the Jessie's new apartment. We installed her computer, sat around and talked for a bit and then crashed on her bed. She was pretty worn out from the move, so I gave her a back rub. This is a notable event because I'm usually begging for them... not voluntarily giving them. Then we laid down and did a cuddling/snuggling sort of thing. We talked a bit. But mostly just laid there. Providing a sense of comfort to one another. I really enjoy that... but this sparks a couple of terrible fears for me.

First, I always worry that she has different feelings about our friendship than I do. Well, actually, I know she does. But we've decided that the friendship is important... and there is no reason to end it just because the two of us have different feelings for each other... we still share the common bond that we want to be each other's best friend. Second, I really enjoy the quiet time I spent with Jessie. Saturday night was quality time. We just sat there and existed together. If someone else comes along, is it wrong to continue doing stuff like we did Saturday? Having females as some of your close friends makes for difficult dating etiquette questions. I don't want to pass up on "The One" to keep a friendship unchanged... but I don't want to stop doing some of the things I really enjoy for the sake of a relationship that may not last.

I voiced my concerns to Jessie. She has pretty much told me that I want my cake and be able to eat it, too. She tells me I can't have everything I want. I somewhat disagree. Perhaps I can't have everything I want... but why shouldn't I try? (0533)


There is an e-mail forward floating around out there that is unlike most e-mail forwards... it rings true. I do my best to not fill my friends' mailboxes with junk and I certainly don't want to fill this journal with junk, either... But take a look at these "Ten Rules of Life" and tell me if they don't ring true. Personally, I think they hit the nail on the head...

(1) It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. (2) A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end it was never meant to be and you just have to let it go. (3) It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. (4) It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone... but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. (5) Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

(6) Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. (7) Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person, too. (8) A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level street; a loving word may heal and bless. (9) The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything... they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. (10) Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Life your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying. (0508)

I'm still worried that having Jessie in town will be a little different. Well, I know it will be different... no more trips to Franklin, no more being away from everything else... there are more distractions it seems in our hometown (let's call it Smallville from now on). Although, we won't both be in town together much longer... The summer is coming to a close... And I'll be a couple of hours away and in another state for school. I guess only time will tell how things will go. (0551)

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