My High:

I'm gonna have a degree. Sure, it's not the B.A. that I'm working on, but it's something.

My Low:

No real low today. I do have to return to work on Friday... and that is bothering me...

Listening To:

Ben Folds Five:

Last Thing I Drank:

Chocolate NesQuick.

Thinking About:

Taking a shower and going to Jessie's house to sleep... just to spend some time with her. (Not that kind of time).

the seventeenth day of august, 2000... a thursday.

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Quote Du Jour:
"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." - Harry S. Truman.

Wednesday, I drove down to school to layout the back-to-school edition of our paper. Jonathan and I put the two-section, 22-page paper together in about eight hours or so. (It actually took us longer -- but the extra hours were spent goofing off and not working so I don't count them) That number doesn't disturb me. It's actually an improvement. During the semester, it takes more time for more people to layout a much smaller paper. I can't figure that one out. (2258)
Once we had all 22 pages laid out Wednesday evening, we decided to go out for a while before coming back and making the needed changes to the first draft. Jonathan and I and three of our friends went to a place for a couple of beers and dinner. After a few hours of good times, we parted ways. Alex called the newspaper office and talked to Jonathan for a while. Something was troubling her... and she was proably looking for sympathy (Jonathan probably wasn't giving her much because he's pretty blunt about things). The point is, she didn't want to talk to me...

Why is she one way on one day? And then makes a 180 degree turn in her mood the next? And I know that we're not talking PMS here.

When I turn to her and get the "good Alex" I want to bottle her up... and keep her for the days when I'm getting the "not-so-good Alex." I want her good side to be her base of operations. If she's in a freaky mood... I want to know that she has strayed from her good side. Right now, it's still entirely possible that her freaky moods are her normal... But I really hope they aren't. (2313)

Jessie and I have been more than friends... We've crossed that line many times over the course of nearly five years. I joked with Jonathan last night that the only lasting committed relationship I've been in was one were there was no comitment.

Jessie is the one person that understands me most. And when she doesn't understand me... she tolerates me... and usually tries to figure me out. Isn't that what I want in a life mate? But where is the "ding?" The "ding" is the sound of the tuning fork in your heart... and in your loins... and in your soul. I love being around Jessie. She's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. But where is the ding. I'm not hearing the ding.

I've thought that perhaps after five years... our relationship isn't new anymore. And that because it's not new, I'm not hearing the ding. It's there somewhere, perhaps, but it's been covered up with the dust of time. Is that possible? Maybe I need to ask someone who has been in a relationship for five years. They might know.

I think Jessie was helping her case the other day... After a fire, I called her and told her, "Have I told you lately that I don't want to be a journalist anymore?" By saying this, I meant that I really think this firefighting thing would be a good career. Her response was something along the lines of how I enjoyed it so much now because it was new. I don't think she's right. I think that sometimes, there should be connections between things... like between people and their careers and between people and the ones they love... that should be lasting... through time. Sure some of the luster will fade, but in the core... where the desire brings the two things or two people together... that should never fade. And sometimes, when I can't find those core feelings for Jessie... I wonder about that. Have they faded? Were they ever there? Can I ever have them for her? I don't know. (2322)

I could marry Jessie if I wanted to. We would have a happy life together. It would be something that many folks just dream about. But I can't find that "ding" and that bothers me. I don't want to settle for something that isn't the way it's supposed to be. That wouldn't be right for me... and it most definatley wouldn't be right for her. I just can't settle. It's gotta be perfect. But so many folks tell me that "perfect" doesn't exsist in real life. Maybe that's true... but so far, it hasn't stopped my from searching.

Of course, the thing about searching is that whatever you are looking for tends to be right under your nose many times. I have to wonder if that is the case here. (2324)

As of today, I'm no longer a Radio-TV-Film major. I am now part of the General Studies program. If all goes well, I will graduate in December with an associate's degree. I can then return to school without paying out of state fees. Yipee! This will save me thousands and thousands of dollars each year. I am very happy about this. Also, I'm on the "extended plan" to get my B.A. (extended plan = six years) so this is a happy little bench mark for me. It gives me something to show for my efforts. (2327)

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