My
High: |
I'm gonna
have a degree. Sure, it's not the B.A. that I'm working on, but it's
something. |
|
My
Low: |
No real
low today. I do have to return to work on Friday... and that is bothering
me... |
|
Listening To: |
Ben Folds
Five:
"Brick" |
|
Last
Thing I Drank: |
Chocolate
NesQuick. |
|
Thinking
About: |
Taking
a shower and going to Jessie's house to sleep... just to spend some time
with her. (Not that kind of time). |
|
the seventeenth day of august, 2000... a
thursday. |
Quote
Du
Jour:
"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." - Harry S.
Truman.
Wednesday, I drove
down to school to layout the back-to-school edition of our paper.
Jonathan and I put the
two-section, 22-page paper together in about eight hours or so. (It actually
took us longer -- but the extra hours were spent goofing off and not working
so I don't count them) That number doesn't disturb me. It's actually an
improvement. During the semester, it takes more time for more people to layout
a much smaller paper. I can't figure that one out.
(2258)
Once we had all 22 pages laid out Wednesday evening, we decided to
go out for a while before coming back and making the needed changes to the
first draft. Jonathan and
I and three of our friends went to a place for a couple of beers and dinner.
After a few hours of good times, we parted ways.
Alex called the newspaper office
and talked to Jonathan for
a while. Something was troubling her... and she was proably looking for sympathy
(Jonathan probably wasn't
giving her much because he's pretty blunt about things). The point is, she
didn't want to talk to me...
Why is she one way on one day? And then makes a 180 degree turn in her mood
the next? And I know that we're not talking PMS here.
When I turn to her and get the "good
Alex" I want to bottle her up...
and keep her for the days when I'm getting the "not-so-good
Alex." I want her good side to
be her base of operations. If she's in a freaky mood... I want to know that
she has strayed from her good side. Right now, it's still entirely possible
that her freaky moods are her normal... But I really hope they aren't.
(2313)
Jessie
and I have been more than friends... We've crossed that line many times over
the course of nearly five years. I joked with
Jonathan last night that the
only lasting committed relationship I've been in was one were there was no
comitment.
Jessie is the one person that
understands me most. And when she doesn't understand me... she tolerates
me... and usually tries to figure me out. Isn't that what I want in a life
mate? But where is the "ding?" The "ding" is the sound of the tuning fork
in your heart... and in your loins... and in your soul. I love being around
Jessie. She's one of the best
things that's ever happened to me. But where is the ding. I'm not hearing
the ding.
I've thought that perhaps after five years... our relationship isn't new
anymore. And that because it's not new, I'm not hearing the ding. It's there
somewhere, perhaps, but it's been covered up with the dust of time. Is that
possible? Maybe I need to ask someone who has been in a relationship for
five years. They might know.
I think Jessie was helping her
case the other day... After a fire, I called her and told her, "Have I told
you lately that I don't want to be a journalist anymore?" By saying this,
I meant that I really think this firefighting thing would be a good career.
Her response was something along the lines of how I enjoyed it so much now
because it was new. I don't think she's right. I think that sometimes, there
should be connections between things... like between people and their careers
and between people and the ones they love... that should be lasting... through
time. Sure some of the luster will fade, but in the core... where the desire
brings the two things or two people together... that should never fade. And
sometimes, when I can't find those core feelings for
Jessie... I wonder about that.
Have they faded? Were they ever there? Can I ever have them for her? I don't
know.
(2322)
I could marry
Jessie if I wanted to. We would
have a happy life together. It would be something that many folks just dream
about. But I can't find that "ding" and that bothers me. I don't want to
settle for something that isn't the way it's supposed to be. That wouldn't
be right for me... and it most definatley wouldn't be right for her. I just
can't settle. It's gotta be perfect. But so many folks tell me that "perfect"
doesn't exsist in real life. Maybe that's true... but so far, it hasn't stopped
my from searching.
Of course, the thing about searching is that whatever you are looking for
tends to be right under your nose many times. I have to wonder if that is
the case here. (2324)
As of today, I'm
no longer a Radio-TV-Film major. I am now part of the General Studies program.
If all goes well, I will graduate in December with an associate's degree.
I can then return to school without paying out of state fees. Yipee! This
will save me thousands and thousands of dollars each year. I am very happy
about this. Also, I'm on the "extended plan" to get my B.A. (extended plan
= six years) so this is a happy little bench mark for me. It gives me something
to show for my efforts. (2327)
|