My High:

I got out of bed early enough and got to work at a good hour. I was very productive.

My Low:

I was feeling a tad ill this afternoon, and that brought me down. Other than that and the constant confusion in my heart and mind, it's been a good day. ;-)

Listening To:

Jim Croce:
"I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song"

Last Thing I Ate:

A handful of crackers.

Thinking About:

Returning to school.
Getting some new MP3s.
Social plans for tonight.
Alex.
Jessie.
The rest of my life.

the eighteenth day of august, 2000... a friday.

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Lyric Du Jour:
"You seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing. You seek up an emotion, sometimes your well is dry." - Dave Matthews.


After spending more days away from work than at work, I returned this morning to start wrapping up the magazine project I've been working on all summer. School starts Wednesday. The dorms open Sunday. I'll have to drive down there sometime in between. What this means is that the newspaper can only hold me captive for a few more days. This also means that there is still time for a little drama.

There were three of us that created the ads for the magazine. We each created a number of spec ads that the sales reps took to their clients. The clients that bought an ad usually made changes. We are each in charge of making the changes for the ads we created. For most ads, those changes are yet to be made. I'm supposed to be laying out the magazine this weekend. I can't place ads in the mag if they haven't been corrected. If Devil Chick & Smiley Boy don't make the corrections on their ads... I can not finish laying out the magazine... and it's not exactly something I can just do anytime. I'll be off at college in a matter of days... Who's running this ship afterall? It's this kind of stuff that has frustrated me all summer. (2159)

Wednesday, Alex told me that I made no sense when I was talking with her last week... I was trying to open up to her and it came out all funky... So, last night, I sat down and wrote her a letter. I don't think it makes much sense, either. But lately, nothing makes a whole lot of sense... but I wonder how much of the confusion in my life is just in my head... Anyway, I haven't sent the letter yet. I may revise it. I may send it. I may sit on it. I dunno yet.

Alex,

It almost goes without saying that communication between the two of us can be weird sometimes. Sometimes, it doesn't even exist. Perhaps that's the most frustrating part of my friendship with you... I'm sure you don't see it or think that it's a problem, but there are times when it's as if you want to say something to me... or I want to say something to you... and it just doesn't happen for some reason... and the connection just isn't made.

When I'm with you and I don't feel the connection, I'm miserable. And if I tell you that I don't feel the connection, you think I'm nuts. (Like you are probably thinking right now) But there moments when it is as if we are on the same sheet of music... on the same team... working together... and those moments are priceless.

That's what I was trying to tell you about Friday night at Jonathan's apartment. Of course, it came out all wrong. So many times, when I want everything to be right between the two of us, things make an 180 degree turn in the wrong direction. Friday night was a prime example of that. What I was trying to tell you was that almost every time I'm with you, the experience will fall into one of two categories.

There is one category for all of the times when it feels like we are on the same sheet of music... and when it feels like we're communicating well with each other... that we are on the same team. It is those moments that I want to savor forever. I want to bottle those moments and save them for rainy days and times when I'm feeling less than chipper.

The other category is for times when it feels like we're on opposing teams. There are times when I'm with you and it feels as though you don't need me at all... not as a co-worker... not as a friend... it is as if you are Ms. Independent and you can do anything without the help of anyone. That is how I was feeling Friday night when I was with you in that car. It seemed that by me trying to talk to you, I was bothering you... I was taking time out of your schedule... It was as if there was something better you could have been doing with your time. I guess the same could be said the night I came over to your house during finals. That was an ugly night for me... and you didn't want me to be anywhere around. I needed a friend. You seemed as though you had one too many (me).

Jonathan gave me a quote the other night from a song. I guess it fits nicely here. "You seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing. You seek up an emotion, sometimes your well is dry." - Dave Matthews. Sometimes I seek out S.D. and I get more than I could ever want. I get a person who is kind and caring... And who is a great friend. And other times, I seek out that same person and get someone that carries the outward appearance that I don't rank too high on her totem pole... At least, I hope it's only an outward appearance.

This isn't an attempt to make the world weep for Thomas Fletcher. That's not what I'm after. This is an attempt to let you know what I was trying to say when things got screwy last Friday night. This is an attempt on the part of one friend to let another friend know what he's thinking... and what he's feeling. Until you told me this week, I didn't realize that you took what I said to you as "yelling." Trust me, that is not how it was supposed to come out at all. And I didn't mean to slam the door. I didn't want anything I said to be negative. I wanted it to be positive. But again, things were the exact opposite of how I wanted them to be.

I know that on the night of July 4th (in what may be the best conversation known to man), we talked a bit about song lyrics and I gave you some more to think about the next day. Tonight, as I was sitting at my computer I found another song that fits perfectly in the context of Friday night at Jonathan's. The words I was trying to tell you did come out all wrong and so I'll let you know what I was thinking with this song by Jim Croce...

Well I know it's kind of late. I hope I didn't wake you.
But what I've got to say can't wait. I'd know you'd understand.
Every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong,
so I'll have to say I love you in a song.

Yeah I know it's kind of strange, but every time I'm near you.
I just run out of things to say. I'd know you'd understand.
Every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong,
so I'll have to say I love you in a song.

Every time the time was right, all the words just came out wrong.
So I'll have to say I love you in a song.

Yeah I know it's kind of late. I hope I didn't wake you.
But there's something that I just gotta say. I'd know you'd understand.
Every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong,
so I'll have to say I love you in a song.


There it is. Can you guess what I was trying to tell you? I didn't mean to say it in a sarcastic way Friday night. I didn't mean to follow it up by slamming the door. The message was coming from my heart. The tone of my voice and the slam of the door came from some inner frustration and a little beer. But when you say, "You know I love you," I wanted you to know that I loved you, too. "In what way?" you ask. I imagine that it's as a good friend for the most part, but I don't know for sure... The only think I do know is that it's in a way I once thought wasn't possible with you.

Maybe this isn't front page news for you. Maybe you don't care. I wish I knew. And it's my desire to know that makes me write this letter. I can only imagine the looks you've been giving me as you read this. I can see them all... the faces I hope you are making... and the faces I know you are making. I also wonder about how you might act when we're together again... Maybe it won't be the way I would like it to be... But that's a chance I'm willing to take to try and let you know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling.

Love always,
Thomas


 

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