Let me get
back to you on this one... Seriously, I did get up at a good hour and my
music class was fun. Today, a guy came in to play the
day. I feel like the old Dunkin' Donuts man... "It's time to layout the
(and watching M*A*S*H with the volume
Thing I Ate:
and mashed potatoes with gravy.
out the paper.
How bad I did on my Criminal Justice test.
|the twentieth day of september, 2000... a
"What if I told you, what if I said that I love you? How would you feel?
What would you think? What would we do? Do we dare to cross that line between
your heart and mine? Or would I lose a friend? Or find a love that would
never end? - Colin Raye & Anita Cochran, "What If I
I've got an online
friend that I talked to Tuesday night. I ran the whole
Alex situation by her for some feedback...
her take on things was that Alex kissed
me to see if there was still a spark there for her. That made good sense.
Of course, not all of my friend's advice was comforting. She suggested that
Alex followed the kiss by saying that
it didn't mean anything for one of two reasons. (1) Because she didn't feel
anything or (2) because she felt something and it scared her. In the time
since my conversation with this online friend, I've played both scenarios
out in my head. And I can make both seem very logical. I can look back on
the past week and a half and find evidence to support both theories. The
jury is still out I guess.
My friend did suggest that I just keep doing what I'm doing -- and that's
just being me. I figure that if something is meant to happen, it will. And
if it's not, I've lost nothing... and simply gained some quality time with
a good friend.
I'm tired of the crap that surrounds my university. I'm tired of bureaucracy.
I'm tired people who can't do their jobs. I'm tired of people who don't care.
I'm tired of trying to do the very best with the very least. I'm tired of
people who think they are so much more important than what they are. We are
all equals in this world... we just have different duties.
I'm tired of Jonathan and Macy and how she is getting married to someone
else... but Jonathan and Macy still act like a couple... I'm tired of feeling
like a third wheel even though the three of us are more like a tricycle than
a bicycle... and tricycle are supposed to have three wheels.
I'm tired of not knowing what's going on in Alex's head and not knowing what
she thinks of me.
I'm tired of people talking to me and not making any sense... people who
merely move their lips and make sound come out but nothing more.
I'm tired of providing news to others. I want someone to give news to me
for a while. But that won't work because I'm addicted to what I do. I don't
know if I could do without it.
I'm tired of waiting to be a firefighter.
I'm tired of being in school.
I'm tired of university police officers threatening my staff members.
I'm tired of people telling me that they are going to do something and not
do it without good reason. I'm tired of those same people chastising me for
my procrastination problems. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
And my procrastination usually screws up my own life... not others. I'm self
destructive... not hurtful.
I'm tired of staying up all night on Wednesdays laying out the newspaper
and having people blame me for the late nights. I'm not the one that turns
his stuff in after the deadline. I'm not the one that says, "I just need
one more day." I'm the end of the line. I layout the paper. There are a billion
other steps before the paper gets to my hands... and every week, people find
new ways to throw a kink in the process because they don't care. Did I mention
that I'm tired of people not caring? If not, I should have.
I'm tired of people who get involved in stuff they know little about... and
have no desire to figure out... but still act like an expert.
I'm tired of being told to delegate responsibility... and then bitched at
because I do.
I'm tired of people who complain when they have no right to. I know, I know.
I'm complaining right now. But this is my life. This is my journal. I have
I'm just tired. And this time, a nap won't help.
Earlier this semester,
the student publications advisor went and got my assistant editor to sign
a charge slip for film processing at Wal-Mart. I asked why she didn't want
me picking up any film we had developed there. She made this funky statement
that didn't make a lot of sense... but sort of implied that I couldn't handle
a task as simple as going to Wal-Mart and picking up film. I let it slide...
afterall, if Jonathan was gonna be the only one that could pick up film,
it would be one less thing that I had to do.
Today, Alex and I went to Wally World to pick up some film from the weekend.
When we tried to charge it, we found that our account information had not
been updated in about three years. This pissed me off. Don't tell me I can't
handle a job... and then fail in doing yours. That's just not right.
Alex made a comment that the advisor had other things on her mind... like
our budget. There is a budget crunch in all departments in the university.
And we have been affected because our enrollment keeps dropping, which means
that the student fees that fund us have decreased. However, that's not the
biggest problem. Three years ago, the paper averaged 12 or 14 pages each
week with (I'm guessing here) about 60% advertising. Last semester, we ran
eight pages each week with 30% or 40% advertising. There is your problem.
Why don't we fire the ad manager? Because no one has the balls to do it.
He is a great guy. I like him personally. But I have a beef with him
professionally. He isn't doing his job and it's affecting our entire operation.
I don't think it's right that one person be allowed to screw stuff up week
in and week out like he can.
Of course, I said all of this to Alex, who is close personal friends with
our ad manager. She defended him a bit... and I think that's to be expected.
I don't try to be "Mr. Know-It-All-And-Did-It-All," but I do understand the
difference between personal relationships and professional relationships.
I'm not sure she does yet. She likes or dislikes people across the board...
Whereas I would hire someone that was good even if I didn't like them, she
probably wouldn't. Whereas I might eventually fire a good friend that was
doing poorly at work, I don't think she could.
I worried for a moment that stating my stance on the advertising situation
might hurt the fun S.D and I have been having the past two weeks... but I
can't be something I'm not... I can't change how I feel... If people are
to like me, they will have to like me for who I am and how I feel about