Wednesday's Highs:

Let me get back to you on this one... Seriously, I did get up at a good hour and my music class was fun. Today, a guy came in to play the cello.

Wednesday's Low:

It's paper day. I feel like the old Dunkin' Donuts man... "It's time to layout the paper."

Listening To:

CD: "Everywhere"
Tim McGraw.
(and watching M*A*S*H with the volume muted)

Last Thing I Ate:

KFC Chicken Strips
and mashed potatoes with gravy.

Thinking About:

Laying out the paper.
How bad I did on my Criminal Justice test.

the twentieth day of september, 2000... a wednesday.

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Lyric Du Jour:
"What if I told you, what if I said that I love you? How would you feel? What would you think? What would we do? Do we dare to cross that line between your heart and mine? Or would I lose a friend? Or find a love that would never end? - Colin Raye & Anita Cochran, "What If I Said"

I've got an online friend that I talked to Tuesday night. I ran the whole Alex situation by her for some feedback... her take on things was that Alex kissed me to see if there was still a spark there for her. That made good sense.

Of course, not all of my friend's advice was comforting. She suggested that Alex followed the kiss by saying that it didn't mean anything for one of two reasons. (1) Because she didn't feel anything or (2) because she felt something and it scared her. In the time since my conversation with this online friend, I've played both scenarios out in my head. And I can make both seem very logical. I can look back on the past week and a half and find evidence to support both theories. The jury is still out I guess.

My friend did suggest that I just keep doing what I'm doing -- and that's just being me. I figure that if something is meant to happen, it will. And if it's not, I've lost nothing... and simply gained some quality time with a good friend.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of the crap that surrounds my university. I'm tired of bureaucracy. I'm tired people who can't do their jobs. I'm tired of people who don't care. I'm tired of trying to do the very best with the very least. I'm tired of people who think they are so much more important than what they are. We are all equals in this world... we just have different duties.

I'm tired of Jonathan and Macy and how she is getting married to someone else... but Jonathan and Macy still act like a couple... I'm tired of feeling like a third wheel even though the three of us are more like a tricycle than a bicycle... and tricycle are supposed to have three wheels.

I'm tired of not knowing what's going on in Alex's head and not knowing what she thinks of me.

I'm tired of people talking to me and not making any sense... people who merely move their lips and make sound come out but nothing more.

I'm tired of providing news to others. I want someone to give news to me for a while. But that won't work because I'm addicted to what I do. I don't know if I could do without it.

I'm tired of waiting to be a firefighter.

I'm tired of being in school.

I'm tired of university police officers threatening my staff members.

I'm tired of people telling me that they are going to do something and not do it without good reason. I'm tired of those same people chastising me for my procrastination problems. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. And my procrastination usually screws up my own life... not others. I'm self destructive... not hurtful.

I'm tired of staying up all night on Wednesdays laying out the newspaper and having people blame me for the late nights. I'm not the one that turns his stuff in after the deadline. I'm not the one that says, "I just need one more day." I'm the end of the line. I layout the paper. There are a billion other steps before the paper gets to my hands... and every week, people find new ways to throw a kink in the process because they don't care. Did I mention that I'm tired of people not caring? If not, I should have.

I'm tired of people who get involved in stuff they know little about... and have no desire to figure out... but still act like an expert.

I'm tired of being told to delegate responsibility... and then bitched at because I do.

I'm tired of people who complain when they have no right to. I know, I know. I'm complaining right now. But this is my life. This is my journal. I have every right.

I'm just tired. And this time, a nap won't help.

Earlier this semester, the student publications advisor went and got my assistant editor to sign a charge slip for film processing at Wal-Mart. I asked why she didn't want me picking up any film we had developed there. She made this funky statement that didn't make a lot of sense... but sort of implied that I couldn't handle a task as simple as going to Wal-Mart and picking up film. I let it slide... afterall, if Jonathan was gonna be the only one that could pick up film, it would be one less thing that I had to do.

Today, Alex and I went to Wally World to pick up some film from the weekend. When we tried to charge it, we found that our account information had not been updated in about three years. This pissed me off. Don't tell me I can't handle a job... and then fail in doing yours. That's just not right.

Alex made a comment that the advisor had other things on her mind... like our budget. There is a budget crunch in all departments in the university. And we have been affected because our enrollment keeps dropping, which means that the student fees that fund us have decreased. However, that's not the biggest problem. Three years ago, the paper averaged 12 or 14 pages each week with (I'm guessing here) about 60% advertising. Last semester, we ran eight pages each week with 30% or 40% advertising. There is your problem. Why don't we fire the ad manager? Because no one has the balls to do it. He is a great guy. I like him personally. But I have a beef with him professionally. He isn't doing his job and it's affecting our entire operation. I don't think it's right that one person be allowed to screw stuff up week in and week out like he can.

Of course, I said all of this to Alex, who is close personal friends with our ad manager. She defended him a bit... and I think that's to be expected. I don't try to be "Mr. Know-It-All-And-Did-It-All," but I do understand the difference between personal relationships and professional relationships. I'm not sure she does yet. She likes or dislikes people across the board... Whereas I would hire someone that was good even if I didn't like them, she probably wouldn't. Whereas I might eventually fire a good friend that was doing poorly at work, I don't think she could.

I worried for a moment that stating my stance on the advertising situation might hurt the fun S.D and I have been having the past two weeks... but I can't be something I'm not... I can't change how I feel... If people are to like me, they will have to like me for who I am and how I feel about things.


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