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peak:

I did some house cleaning and some clothes washing. Of course, if that's my peak... that must mean I'm living in a valley.


valley:

That chores qualified as my peak today. Damn, this is getting sad.


noise:

Cowboy Mouth:
Love of My Life


sustenance:

Coca-Cola.


thoughts:

I haven't seen Jeremy for most of the summer. He says he's stopping by tomorrow. I wonder if that's bull shit or not.


365:

(August 14, 2000) You can get "too warm" fighting fires.


tuesday, august 14th

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Quote Du Jour:
"It is possible to provide security against other ills, but as far as death is concerned, we men live in a city without walls." - (Epicurus)

Last Wednesday, when I was on my eighth lap around the track at the football stadium... and when I was supposed to be running... I slowed down and walked. I felt give out. I had a negative balance in the energy bank. I walked half a lap before finishing with a spring. But the other morning, I got to thinking...

Our heart is a muscle. In my case, it's been beating every second or so for more than 1,200 weeks in a row. Sometimes it beats fast. Some times it beats slow. One day, it won't beat at all. When will that happen? And what will happen when it does? Where does our future potential go when we have no future left?

I've always given my demise more thought that the average Joe... but interestingly enough, it's only been as of late that I've worried about it. I've had loved ones die. I've seen people die in car wrecks. I've searched for people who have died of natural causes. None of those experiences sparked feelings like I've had recently. I've become very aware of my existence as of late... and I'm hoping its just a touch of paranoia as opposed to some sense of greater understanding.

But, seriously, what if I died tomorrow? For some reason, I've asked myself that question a lot lately... and it worries me in some ways... not that I'm asking myself that question... but because of some of the other questions that question sparks...

As of late, I've seemed so much more at peace with my life than usual. My finances are okay. I passed summer school with a "B" and an "A." I enjoy firefighting and I feel as though I'm in a good position with that. Everything seems smooth... dying would really screw that up, wouldn't it? It would make putting the pieces all together for naught, wouldn't it?

And what about the thoughts and ideas and plans I have stored away in my head? My brain is full of all sorts of ideas for me and the world around me. Where do they all go when the brain stops living?

Yeah, I know. I do think too much.
You're invited to say so at my funeral.


Okay... so this is where you, my loyal readers, are supposed to flip out and worry. Well, don't. I'm cool on this end. Really. I'm very happy with my life. Things are going as I'd like them to. And perhaps that's why I've thought about the end of the road a lot. When I'm busy worrying about the things going wrong in my life, I've got no time to think about death. Now that everything is peachy... what else do I have to think of? That... and when everything is going well, you don't want the ride to end. At least, that's how I feel. I'm nowhere near ready for my ride to end.

copyright © 2001-02, Thomas Fletcher. all rights reserved.