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peak:

I'm doing all the right things to set the foundation for a good semester... I've just gotta keep it up.


valley:

I'm in class from 11-3:15 every Tuesday and Thursday... that's a lot of class for me.


noise:

Hum of the A/C and the refrigerator.


sustenance:

Some Pringles & a Coke.


thoughts:

Do I really want to send this note?


sorta 365:

(August 27, 2000) Calling Lindsay on her bullshit. (Oh, what a plan...)


tuesday, august 28th

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Quote Du Jour:
"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again." - (Dag Hammarskjöld in Markings)

While sweating through a lecture in my media ethics class this afternoon, I wrote a note to Lindsay. It was a note of apology. It's been quite a while since I've given her much thought. I don't know what brought her into my mind today... I'm blaming it on the heat in that classroom.

I've not really seen or spoken to Lindsay in almost a year. She bumped into me while shopping last December and I've seen her from a distance on campus... but that's about it. She did, afterall, tell me that she didn't want to see me ever again -- and she meant it.

She felt this way about me because I told her boyfriend that I'd slept with her and I did so in a way that was anything but gentlemanly. That offense may have been forgivable over time, but I never apoligized. In fact, I flat out refused to say I was sorry for my actions. What I did was obviously extrememly immature and totally inappopriate, but I just couldn't see it. I was so focused on showing the world how Lindsay had lied about our relationship that I couldn't see how big a jerk I was being. I couldn't see the big picture.

What's odd is that when I sat down to write this entry today, I went back into the archives to find a year-old entry to list under "365" in the rail on the left hand side of this page. There was no August 28th entry last year, so I settled on my August 27th entry. It was about my plan to call Lindsay on the copious amounts of bullshit she had been feeding our friends. After reading that, I checked out the next entry -- August 29th -- and read how that the day before, my relationship with Lindsay had turned ugly. How odd is that? Not knowing the significance of the date, I drafted an apology to her exactly one year after I wronged her. In my book, at least, that's just wierd. However, there is one thing that is keeping me from sending her my short note...

In the time that she's been out of my life, my life has actually improved. I loved her in a way that I've loved no other. She stirred feelings within me that I hadn't experience before I became involved with her and haven't experienced since. Yet she was the perfect definition of someone you can love with all of your heart and, yet, grow to not like very much. She was a habitual and compulsive liar. She lied to me and about me. She lied about herself and others. The truth and her spin on it where mixed into an almost homogenous mixture. It was impossible to know when she was telling tales. I didn't need that sort of thing in my life and I surely haven't missed having it around.

I'm really not sure if I want to go back and open that chapter of my life. It was difficult moving on from her and now that I have, I should be looking forward instead to my past. Of course, I want to be a good guy. I want to do things right -- even if I screwed them up the first time around. As usual, I'm torn between what is probably the right thing and what is probably the smart thing... too bad they both can't be the same.

copyright © 2001-02, Thomas Fletcher. all rights reserved.