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peak:

It was bowling night (without Nate, though) and I won two of three games.


valley:

I've felt like crap all day... physically, mentally, emotionally.


noise:

"Flag Raisers of Iwo Jima" -- a documentary on the History Channel


sustenance:

Some fruit loops and tropical punch Kool Aid.


thoughts:

I've gotta make a plan of action. I've gotta execute that plan. I've gotta survive everything that I'm worried about.


365:

No entry.


monday, october 8th

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Quote Du Jour:
"It's almost like the hard times circle 'round... A couple drops and they all start coming down... Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead. Tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty anyway... So bring on the rain" - (Jodee Messina with Tim McGraw, "Bring On The Rain")

About a year ago and a half or so ago, I met a local girl online. We chatted quite a bit and developed a nice little online friendship. She was having boyfriend troubles at the time and so we eventually made plans to meet... and made plans for me to help out in as many ways as possible.

However, things always came up whenever we had the chance to meet. Our friendship had a chronic case of bad timing that we were never able to overcome. To this day, we still haven't met. And on this day, I'm glad of that.

I saw my friend online this weekend and was able to chat with her for a few minutes. I knew that she had been pregnant and so, of course, I asked about the baby. She e-mailed me a photo of a precious little girl. She was simply adorable.

The story goes that my online friend and her boyfriend worked through their problems. They got married. They made a gorgeous little girl. And it seems they are living happily ever after...

I'm glad we never got together. I'm glad that I didn't have the chance to screw up something that has become so wonderful.


Just to let you know... I'm worried about myself.
I don't think I'm in very good health at the moment.

I've had a throbbing headache and neck cramp for most of the day. I woke up with the pain and it's managed to get worse instead of better. I've also broken out in sweats for no reason at all... and my skin will feel sticky and warm. During sociology class, I even had to get up and leave because I felt too crappy to sit there. I felt as warm all over... and as though the room was closing in, which is not a good feeling to have.

I'm also worried about my mental health. I've been forgetting a lot lately. I brought my book bag up to my dorm from my truck earlier this evening. A few minutes ago, I went down to my truck to get and spent a few minutes wondering why it wasn't there. This weekend, Jessie and I went shopping at Wal-Mart. When we returned to my dorm room, I put up the items we'd bought. Today, I searched all over for the bag from Wal-Mart so I could get the stuff. I even called Jessie to see if I'd left it in her car.

I can't really give a favorable report in the emotional health department, either, as I am feeling quite a bit of stress.

The script that I'm supposed to be writing (and that was due two weeks ago) has me stressed beyond the limit. I simply feel as though I can't do it. I feel like I just don't have it in me... and I don't feel that way about things very often. But not doing it really isn't an option. I have to do it -- others are depending on me.

The people around me really aren't helping matters, either. When I told a couple of people at the newspaper that I didn't feel confident about this project, they said, "has that ever stopped you before?" The faculty advisor for the program told me last week,"with the way you write, you should be writing circles around the others." Jessie says that I'm just finding excuses to put it off.

We're supposed to put in 70 hours of work on the project during the semester. I only have about 10 hours completed but plenty of work lay ahead, so I'm not concerned about it yet. However, people have told me that if I don't have 35 hours by this week, I should back out. I don't believe that... but it's got me stressed anyway.

There is also the school work to think about. I've had the best start of my collegiate career, but I feel as though its all out of my control. With 19 hours of classes, I feel like I can't get my arms around it all. Instead of driving the wagon, I feel as though I'm being dragged behind it.

Finally, there is the fire department... It was announced during out meeting last Tuesday that we are having another endurance test next month. Don't get me wrong... I support the idea of firefighters having to be regularly tested to determine if they can do the job or not. It's just that when I took the test for the first time, I thought that by the time the second test rolled around, I would be in better shape than I am in now. Last time, the test was brand new and my only real concern was passing... which I did. Now, the emphasis is placed not only on passing, but to do better than others and to beat my old score. I really don't know if I can do that.

One thing is weird, though. All day, I've felt anxiety about all of the things that are out of control (or seem that way) in my life. Yet, right this moment... When I'm putting it all down in writing... I feel very calm. I think I'm going to take this calm feeling to bed with me and, hopefully, will wake up with it in the morning.

None of the things I've listed are things beyond my realm of control. I can fix the problems before me. At least, that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.

copyright © 2001, Thomas Fletcher. all rights reserved.