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peak:

I'm baaaaaack!


valley:

My video project is still not finished... and my truck is in the shop for major repairs.


noise:

"Convoy"
C.W. McCall.


sustenance:

A Coca-Cola.


thoughts:

I'm back in the saddle again! I'm back in the saddle again! Now... if I can just stay put in the damn thing.


365:

No entry.


monday, december 3rd

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Quote Du Jour:
"I'm gonna lay me down on the hood of this car. Make another wish upon a falling star. I'm gonna think again about the way it was. I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about us " - (Tim McGraw, "Forget About Us")

I think there is a reason why the fling I had with Julie didn't last any longer than it did... There was one night when we were lying side by side. I was propped up on one arm and was looking down at her. For some crazy reason, I looked down and didn't see Julie. I saw Lindsay.

The two of them are nothing alike is appearance, personality, voice, body type or age... But sure enough, my mind got 'em mixed up. Or my heart. Or something. What was so baffling is that I was (and still am) over Lindsay. I've picked up, headed out and moved on from that relationship. She lived in her own world, liked to fudge the truth and, at the end, her life seemed to be in a downward spiral. Her behavior in the months since has only reinforced those facts. So... If I've drawn a clear line between new and old... Why the mix up?

I think it goes back to something said in "When Harry Met Sally." Harry and Sally were talking about how they might not miss their ex's... but they miss the idea of them. Certainly, I wasn't missing Lindsay that night I spent with Julie... But I was missing the idea of her. Sometimes, I think I still miss the idea of her. Of course, I attribute that to the fact I haven't had a "normal" relationship since... but I digress.

Looking down at Julie, I saw what I had before. I saw that relationship. And I saw the past because it probably seemed, at least in my mind, better than what I had in the present. Regardless of what I say after I've had a few drinks... Or after I've met an incredibly attractive woman... And contrary to anything I may occasionally write about in these pages... Relationships are always better than flings. Always.

I got a message from Julie the other day. Truth be told... she was only replying to a message I sent her one night when it was late, when I was tired and when I felt like I could use some company. I've thought a lot about calling her up and us getting together. Maybe we'd have a couple of drinks. Maybe we'd have a good time. Maybe the memory of Lindsay would come back and make me think about what I don't have. It's that last one that'll probably kill the plan. Of course, that would be the first good thing that Lindsay has done for me in a long while.


I know that the stuff I've penned so far isn't exactly how I planned to return to writing... And probably not exactly what you wanted to read in my first entry back. But after a month off, I'm just happy to be writing. Period. Subject matter can take a back seat to the frequency of my writing for the time being.

Lots of things have kept me away from the journal. For the most part, I will be blaming school for the unexpected hiatus. It can't carry all of the blame, however. For some reason, I really lacked the desire to write for the last month. I had a few topics come along that would have made great entries (and may still become entries), but I just could not make them happen. I sat here... And I sat here... And they were content to remain in my brain instead of being published for all the world to see.

It was the lack of free time and the lack of interest that made me design a hiatus page. I was going to upload it and disappear for a while. My schedule was so hectic, I never got the chance to upload it. I also designed a page announcing the site's death. I thought about pulling the plug on the place more than a dozen times over the course of the last month. I think I forgot how writing helps keep my sane. I wonder what would happen if I didn't this place to express myself in. I remember how life was before the journal, I know that it makes a little more sense now and I credit some of that clarity with my writing. It'd be crazy to stop now, eh?

Even now that I'm back slinging words onto the screen, I still don't feel right about it all. I have quality control concerns. I feel like things have leveled off and I wonder about what new to do now. Who knows what the future holds... But I can almost guarantee that regardless of the bumps along the way, I'm not ready to give up on this place just yet.

Stay tuned.

copyright © 2001, Thomas Fletcher. all rights reserved.