The real purpose of
my trip to
Oakdale last weekend was to see
Amanda graduate with her Master's Degree. Of course, I got lucky
and managed to surround that even with more than one perk.
For all the times I hold onto some part
of my life much longer than I should, there are also times when I drop things
and move on without thought or consideration. For a couple of months, it
seemed that Oakdale fit into that category. When I graduated, I left town
and didn't look back. Of course, I didn't just leave town... I left a few
people behind as well.
Alex was one of those people.
I can't remember the last time I saw
Alex before school let out in the spring. I know that I forgot
to send her an invitation to graduation. And I know that I forgot to call
her on her birthday in late May. For her to have been such a key player
off-and-on through my college career, I certainly managed to neglect the
hell out of her.
Part of me felt bad about that. But, honestly, she wasn't calling me to stay
in touch, so I didn't feel as though she missed me too much. The thing is...
She probably wasn't. I'm not sure
Alex *needs* anyone in her life. At one time, I thought that
was just some bull shit she tried to convince me of... Now, I'm starting
to feel too old to fight that point. I'm willing to concede it to her.
Nevertheless, when I found myself in town... I called her up and we decided
to do lunch on Saturday.
Part of me had missed having
Alex around. But as I sat across the table from her, it hit me
that in all of the time I'd told myself to move on... I quite possibly had.
Our lunch Saturday felt odd for me. It wasn't like any "normal"
Alex and Fletch gathering. (Not that anything we ever did was
normal.) It felt like pulling your high school letter jacket out of the closet
after a few years in storage. A lot of the feelings from "back in the day"
return... But then you realize that it's not the same person wearing the
jacket.
The problem I often had with
Alex is that I had trouble separating the chapters in our
relationship. We dated a couple of times. She hated me for a while. We worked
together a bit. I dated her best friend. I slept with her best friend and
didn't tell her. She hated me some more. We reconciled. We fooled around
on an out of town trip. She acted weird on me for a while. And then we were
friends again. Then I tried to go back and make it something more. She wierded
on me again. And then we settled as friends. As you can tell, it was sometimes
hard to know where I stood with her... And that was almost always frustrating
for me.
And maybe that's what made Saturday different. I knew where we stood -- old
friends catching up -- but it didn't really matter. Lunch was an isolated
event. We now live a couple of hundred of miles apart. We each have our own
lives to live. Regardless of what happened in the past between us and what
could possibly happen in the future, we've gotta do our own thing now. And
for me, it wasn't a matter of me needing to feel that way... It's
how I actually felt.
That's what I call progress.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss some
of the times I had with
Alex. Simply put, a couple of the best moments in my life were
with her. However, I'd like to say that for something to really carry value,
it has to be significant to more than one person... And I could never say
that was the case with the time I spent with
Alex.
She really did her best to convince me that she didn't need anybody. Through
most of college, I didn't believe her. Perhaps, I did that because I wanted
the things we did to mean something to someone other than myself. Now, it
doesn't so much matter. I treasure the good memories. They're special to
me. I want them to carry meaning with
Alex, but they don't have to anymore.
Hopefully, we can sit down sometime and drink a few and talk about what went
down... And what we each were really thinking... Because I don't think we
were ever honest about that. But unlike my days in college, I'm not going
to try to rush that day. It'll come when it needs to and until then, I'll
remember the past fondly but will keep my eyes on the future. |
