peak:
I was busy much of the day picking up odds and ends of my dress uniform for 9-11 remembrance stuff tomorrow.


valley:
Today is the 10th. Wondering what tomorrow is going to be like has been in the back of my mind all day.

noise:
"Report from Ground Zero" on ABC.

food:
No real supper yet.


thoughts:
I'm wondering what tomorrow is going to be like. For some reason, even as I do and think about other things... tomorrow stays in the back of my mind.


365.25:
11 Sept. 2001
9-11-01.


730.50:
11 Sept. 2000
I kissed her.
She kissed me.
Or something...

tuesday
09.10.02

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Quote du jour:
"Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results." -- James Lane Allen


So it was all a dream.

I spent much of yesterday afternoon almost giddy... Every half-hour or so, I'd remember the dream again and laugh aloud. I had to stop typing the entry several times just so I could let loose a good chuckle. Why now? Why after so long has she decided to appear in my dreams? And why on earth did she come into them offering intimacy? I found the whole thing so very hilarious.

I haven't missed
Lindsay in a long time. Every now and then, I'll miss the idea of her. I've written about that here... How I miss the way I felt during some of the time I spent with her. Mostly, I think that relationship stills carries significance to me because it was part of an important time in my life. I've often said, more so recently, that at that time I felt like I was actually living life.


The fall of 1999 was my first semester on campus without Jessie around. Sure, I missed her, but she needed to be gone so that I could work on my independence. Sometimes, time apart for best friends is in order. In makes the relationship and the individuals involved stronger.

In October of 1999,
Alex and I went to Atlanta as part of a school trip. We stayed in a posh hotel, abused our per diem and spent most of the trip together. At that time, it was the most fun I'd ever had on a trip with folks other than family. To this day, it still ranks in the top five.

December of 1999 brought a relationship with
Lindsay, which I reveled in and heartbreak for Jessie. Almost every day of that month put me through the extremes of emotion. In 24 hours' time, I could be both the happiest I'd ever been and the most sorrowful. Simply enough, it was hell.

The spring of 2000 brought the rise and fall of my relationship with
Lindsay, the infamous Rape in Georgia trip and me almost flunking of school. The stress of the semester forced Jonathan and I into a three or four night a week drinking habit and I tacked on a near nervous breakdown at the end. In the summer, I spent the most magical Fourth of July with Alex and fulfilled a dream by becoming a firefighter.

I went to Michigan in the fall of 2000 and saw my aunt inducted into her university's athletic hall of fame. It was during that trip that I started stealing quotes about love & friendship and sending them to
Alex.

The night I got back from that trip, I kissed
Alex for the first time in almost two years and I liked it. That was the last time I kissed her. The two of us formed a connection that we hadn't had while dating or as friends. Something special was certainly there... It bugged me as I tried to figure it out, but it shouldn't have. All that should have mattered was that it existed. I was blessed just for that.

Alex, Jonathan, David and I all went to Washington, D.C. in November 2000. We met up with Amy and had an absolute blast. During that trip, Alex and I were weird in a physical sot of way. The attention was good... but that was never my goal with her. I took it, granted... but I'm not sure it brought any long-term good to our relationship.

The point of all of this... Is that for about a year of my life, every day carried the potential for a life-changing decision. I had no clue what was just around the corner. I felt like I was actually living life. I wasn't just strolling along. I experienced all of the emotions I could have ever imagined... Joy. Sorrow. Love. Passion. Confusion. Excitement. Ecstasy. And everything in between. I covered all of the bases.

After I work a 24-hour shift or a handful of 12s back-to-back, I'm usually no good to anyone for a couple of days. After I spend a good bit of time being productive, I like to take some time and do nothing. I think that's the best way to describe what happened after 2000 ended. My life just sort of settled on a cruise control. September 11th and my house catching fire notwithstanding, much of 2001 was a big rest for me... A chance to take a break from actually living life.

So far, 2002 has brought a slight return to the unexpected. It took until early 2002 for my home to get put back the way it was. The spring was spent trying to graduate. The spring and summer was spent trying to find a job. June was spent moving and starting the new job. The last two months have been spent getting used to my new home, my new job and my new coworkers. Now, I feel myself getting restless.

The other day, we were responding to a call of a burst natural gas line. As we rolled down the street with lights and sirens, I thanked God for the chance to allowing me to have the job I have. I truly consider myself to be blessed right now... And its that feeling that makes me wonder if I'm just a bit of an ingrate for wanting more.

Part of me wants more. Part of me wants to feel like I did in 2000. That part of me wants to soak up as much of life as possible. But then there is the sensible side of me... and that side says that 2000 was far from being perfect. There was a fair share of heartbreak and sorrow. To take the good, you've gotta be willing to take the crummy... And who wants to sign on for the latter? Not me. Not again.

So, I'm left at a crossroads. Where do I go from here? I se so many of the people I work with in a rut of sorts. They are on cruise control... Or, at least, they appear to be. I don't want to end up like that. I want to ride the ride and not just sit to the side and watch. Didn't some tennis shoe company once say that life wasn't a spectator sport? Well, count me in on that perspective.

I just don't know how I want to play. Any suggestions?


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