So it was all a
dream.
I spent much of yesterday afternoon almost giddy... Every half-hour or so,
I'd remember the dream again and laugh aloud. I had to stop typing the entry
several times just so I could let loose a good chuckle. Why now? Why after
so long has she decided to appear in my dreams? And why on earth did she
come into them offering intimacy? I found the whole thing so very
hilarious.
I haven't missed
Lindsay in a long time. Every now and then, I'll miss the
idea of her. I've written about that here... How I miss the way I
felt during some of the time I spent with her. Mostly, I think that relationship
stills carries significance to me because it was part of an important time
in my life. I've often said, more so recently, that at that time I felt like
I was actually living life.
The fall of 1999 was my first semester on
campus without
Jessie around. Sure, I missed her, but she needed to be gone so
that I could work on my independence. Sometimes, time apart for best friends
is in order. In makes the relationship and the individuals involved
stronger.
In October of 1999,
Alex and I went to Atlanta as part of a school trip. We stayed
in a posh hotel, abused our per diem and spent most of the trip together.
At that time, it was the most fun I'd ever had on a trip with folks other
than family. To this day, it still ranks in the top five.
December of 1999 brought a relationship with
Lindsay, which I reveled in and heartbreak for
Jessie. Almost every day of that month put me through the extremes
of emotion. In 24 hours' time, I could be both the happiest I'd ever been
and the most sorrowful. Simply enough, it was hell.
The spring of 2000 brought the rise and fall of my relationship with
Lindsay, the infamous Rape in Georgia trip and me almost flunking
of school. The stress of the semester forced
Jonathan and I into a three or four night a week drinking habit and
I tacked on a near nervous breakdown at the end. In the summer, I spent the
most magical Fourth of July with
Alex and fulfilled a dream by becoming a firefighter.
I went to Michigan in the fall of 2000 and saw my aunt inducted into her
university's athletic hall of fame. It was during that trip that I started
stealing quotes about love & friendship and sending them to
Alex.
The night I got back from that trip, I kissed
Alex for the first time in almost two years and I liked it. That
was the last time I kissed her. The two of us formed a connection that we
hadn't had while dating or as friends. Something special was certainly there...
It bugged me as I tried to figure it out, but it shouldn't have. All that
should have mattered was that it existed. I was blessed just for that.
Alex,
Jonathan,
David and I all went to Washington, D.C. in November 2000. We
met up with Amy and had an absolute blast. During that trip,
Alex and I were weird in a physical sot of way. The attention
was good... but that was never my goal with her. I took it, granted... but
I'm not sure it brought any long-term good to our relationship.
The point of all of this... Is that for
about a year of my life, every day carried the potential for a life-changing
decision. I had no clue what was just around the corner. I felt like I was
actually living life. I wasn't just strolling along. I experienced all of
the emotions I could have ever imagined... Joy. Sorrow. Love. Passion. Confusion.
Excitement. Ecstasy. And everything in between. I covered all of the bases.
After I work a 24-hour shift or a handful
of 12s back-to-back, I'm usually no good to anyone for a couple of days.
After I spend a good bit of time being productive, I like to take some time
and do nothing. I think that's the best way to describe what happened after
2000 ended. My life just sort of settled on a cruise control. September 11th
and my house catching fire notwithstanding, much of 2001 was a big rest for
me... A chance to take a break from actually living life.
So far, 2002 has brought a slight return
to the unexpected. It took until early 2002 for my home to get put back the
way it was. The spring was spent trying to graduate. The spring and summer
was spent trying to find a job. June was spent moving and starting the new
job. The last two months have been spent getting used to my new home, my
new job and my new coworkers. Now, I feel myself getting restless.
The other day, we were responding to a call of a burst natural gas line.
As we rolled down the street with lights and sirens, I thanked God for the
chance to allowing me to have the job I have. I truly consider myself to
be blessed right now... And its that feeling that makes me wonder if I'm
just a bit of an ingrate for wanting more.
Part of me wants more. Part of me wants to feel like I did in 2000. That
part of me wants to soak up as much of life as possible. But then there is
the sensible side of me... and that side says that 2000 was far from being
perfect. There was a fair share of heartbreak and sorrow. To take the good,
you've gotta be willing to take the crummy... And who wants to sign on for
the latter? Not me. Not again.
So, I'm left at a crossroads. Where do I go from here? I se so many of the
people I work with in a rut of sorts. They are on cruise control... Or, at
least, they appear to be. I don't want to end up like that. I want to ride
the ride and not just sit to the side and watch. Didn't some tennis shoe
company once say that life wasn't a spectator sport? Well, count me in on
that perspective.
I just don't know how I want to play. Any suggestions? |
