It's an entry!

I'm supposed to be off this weekend and I found out today that I may have to work.

Hans Zimmer:
"Show Me Your Fire Truck" from the Backdraft soundtrack.

Nothing lately.

I'm glad to have an entry written, but it's come at the sacrifice of much needed sleep.

25 Sept. 2001
No entry.

25 Sept. 2000
No entry.


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Quote du jour:
"It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst." -- Kevin Spacey as Lester Burnham in "American Beauty"

It's almost like I've been avoiding this place since the 11th.

I've sat down a few times and tried to write, but the words never came. September 11th was big... And so were my feelings about that day and the year that followed. This is one of those times that I just want to crack open my head and let you peek in. That would be so much easier because my thoughts and feelings on the matter are just too much to describe. I can't do it. Not now, anyway. It's not that I'm too depressed or devastated to write about it... It's just that I can't put the words together to give justice to the thoughts in my brain.

Speaking of things I can't describe...

The weather in my part of the world has been absolutely beautiful for the last few days. The nights have been cool and crisp, but far from cold. The days never see temperatures above 80 or so and there always seems to be a breeze. The haze that accompanies a hot, humid summer has lifted. If it stays this way forever, you'll hear no argument from me.

As the haze has left the air, it has also lifted from my senses. I seem to be more in tune with everything around me. It's almost as though I pick up on moments of time and soak them up as I'm living them. Of course, when you're doing that, you've gotta be careful not to drown in the details of life... But as long as you can keep your head above water, it can be a fun way to live for a while.

· After dark Friday night, I was on stand-by at an event at one of the lakes in Lakeland. The moon was full. The sky was clear. The stars were bright. The white lights that lined the stage reflected in the water. I was hanging out with the ambulance crew from that shift and we were having a good time. For a while, absolutely nothing was wrong with life. How great of a feeling is that?

· For lunch Monday, we had the ambulance crew over to the station for fried chicken. The smell filled our normally musty living quarters with an aroma that perfectly matched the smell of my late grandmother's chicken recipe. I had the fortune of being in one place that gave me great company; that gave me the job that I always wanted; and that could take me back in time almost 10 years to my grandma's house. Again, for a few moments, everything was perfect.

· Monday night, the crew from the ambulance station came back over to quarters. Even though I float among the three shifts we have at work, I spend two-thirds of my time on one in particular. That shift seems to work the most medical calls and it has the most friendly ambulance crew. Consequently, the female paramedic on that shift and I have built some sort of rapport. Depending on who you ask, that rapport ranges from "fuck me vibes" to romance to just two people getting along well.

All I know is that when she's around, things feel differently. Most notably, it's the banter between us that can only come when two people are getting to know each other. I love that feeling. I think that once you get some solid friends in your life, it's easy to stop making new ones. But that's entirely too boring of a concept for me. I like new. I like fresh. And time spent with the paramedic (and there has been plenty of that lately) brings me those feelings.

The point of all this is that the little details of life get lost sometimes. Just as quickly as memories are triggered in your mind, they can be filed away again. The way you interact with the world around you can be overlooked. You can forget to appreciate the perfect moments.

A couple of years ago, all I did was live in the small moments of life. I experienced a few perfect ones and then forgot to stop every now and then and check out the big picture. I held onto those perfect moments and then forgot to get more. I got lost in the past and it was tough finding my way back. For me, finding my way back meant living life in big chunks.

I don't want to go back to those days. I want to be able to have my perfect and eat it, too. I'm hoping the wisdom of experience has allowed me this magic time in life... Where I seem in tune with things yet can still have a grasp on the totality of life. And most importantly, I'm hoping that life only continues to get better.

I always wonder if perfection is really something that I should shoot for. No, it's not because it's an impossible goal... But because it would be my luck to get it and then promptly be hit by a train.

The things is... I have a great job with good co-workers. I have great friends and a good family. I've got a good place to live and a vehicle that gets me where I want to go. After a couple of years of some uncertainty, the feeling that I'm beginning to actually live life again is coming back. With God's blessings, it seems that I have my own little piece of perfect for now. That scares me and excites me at the same time.
How great of a feeling is that?

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