It's almost like I've
been avoiding this place since the 11th.
I've sat down a few times and tried to write, but the words never came. September
11th was big... And so were my feelings about that day and the year that
followed. This is one of those times that I just want to crack open my head
and let you peek in. That would be so much easier because my thoughts and
feelings on the matter are just too much to describe. I can't do it. Not
now, anyway. It's not that I'm too depressed or devastated to write about
it... It's just that I can't put the words together to give justice to the
thoughts in my brain.
Speaking of things I can't describe...
The weather in my part of the world has been absolutely beautiful for the
last few days. The nights have been cool and crisp, but far from cold. The
days never see temperatures above 80 or so and there always seems to be a
breeze. The haze that accompanies a hot, humid summer has lifted. If it stays
this way forever, you'll hear no argument from me.
As the haze has left the air, it has also lifted from my senses. I seem to
be more in tune with everything around me. It's almost as though I pick up
on moments of time and soak them up as I'm living them. Of course, when you're
doing that, you've gotta be careful not to drown in the details of life...
But as long as you can keep your head above water, it can be a fun way to
live for a while.
· After dark Friday night, I was on stand-by at an event
at one of the lakes in Lakeland. The moon was full. The sky was clear. The
stars were bright. The white lights that lined the stage reflected in the
water. I was hanging out with the ambulance crew from that shift and we were
having a good time. For a while, absolutely nothing was wrong with life.
How great of a feeling is that?
· For lunch Monday, we had the ambulance crew over to the
station for fried chicken. The smell filled our normally musty living quarters
with an aroma that perfectly matched the smell of my late grandmother's chicken
recipe. I had the fortune of being in one place that gave me great company;
that gave me the job that I always wanted; and that could take me back in
time almost 10 years to my grandma's house. Again, for a few moments, everything
was perfect.
· Monday night, the crew from the ambulance station came
back over to quarters. Even though I float among the three shifts we have
at work, I spend two-thirds of my time on one in particular. That shift seems
to work the most medical calls and it has the most friendly ambulance crew.
Consequently, the female paramedic on that shift and I have built some sort
of rapport. Depending on who you ask, that rapport ranges from "fuck me vibes"
to romance to just two people getting along well.
All I know is that when she's around, things feel differently. Most notably,
it's the banter between us that can only come when two people are getting
to know each other. I love that feeling. I think that once you get some solid
friends in your life, it's easy to stop making new ones. But that's entirely
too boring of a concept for me. I like new. I like fresh. And time spent
with the paramedic (and there has been plenty of that lately) brings me those
feelings.
The point of all this is that the little details of life get lost sometimes.
Just as quickly as memories are triggered in your mind, they can be filed
away again. The way you interact with the world around you can be overlooked.
You can forget to appreciate the perfect moments.
A couple of years ago, all I did was live in the small moments of life. I
experienced a few perfect ones and then forgot to stop every now and then
and check out the big picture. I held onto those perfect moments and then
forgot to get more. I got lost in the past and it was tough finding my way
back. For me, finding my way back meant living life in big chunks.
I don't want to go back to those days. I want to be able to have my perfect
and eat it, too. I'm hoping the wisdom of experience has allowed me this
magic time in life... Where I seem in tune with things yet can still have
a grasp on the totality of life. And most importantly, I'm hoping that life
only continues to get better.
I always wonder if perfection is really something that I should shoot for.
No, it's not because it's an impossible goal... But because it would be my
luck to get it and then promptly be hit by a train.
The things is... I have a great job with good co-workers. I have great friends
and a good family. I've got a good place to live and a vehicle that gets
me where I want to go. After a couple of years of some uncertainty, the feeling
that I'm beginning to actually live life again is coming back. With God's
blessings, it seems that I have my own little piece of perfect for now. That
scares me and excites me at the same time. How great of a feeling
is that? |
