Things
aren't right between
Jessie
& I right now.
Something is out of place. Sometimes, I think I know exactly what's wrong.
Other times, I don't have the slightest clue. I just know that we can't go
through this again...
Jessie is frustrated with life and that
is at the root of everything.
At 28, I don't think she's living the life she had pictured for herself.
She's working in the same town she grew up in. She's not married and she
has no kids, although I think she was shooting for the marriage part first.
Most of all, she's hurting for interaction with people her own age -- her
friends from work are much older than she is -- and she needs to go out on
a date with someone other than me.
I can't begin to tell you how much it hurts me to see her like this. And
I can't tell you how frustrating it is to know that I could fix it all by
myself... but won't. Well, sort of.
I'm beginning to listen to people who tell me that she's in love with me.
I'm beginning to believe the people that say our friendship is more than
just a friendship to
Jessie.
Maybe I'm just being cocky, but I think I could right her ship.
We could date. We could make it official. I could be her boyfriend and she
could be my girlfriend. We'd do the same stuff we do now... Dinner, movies,
ordering out for pizza, curling up on the couch until I fall asleep with
my head in her lap. And I'd tell her that I love her. And after a year or
so, I'd spring for a ring. And I'd ask her to be my wife. And we'd get
married.
She'd have the things she's missing in her life. Many of my friends really
like her, and she'd be getting a younger influence in her life. She'd be
in a relationship with someone she cares for. She would move away from the
town we grew up in. She would be happy. I really believe it.
We'd go off and buy a nice little three bedroom house. We can be quite domestic
together, so I figure living with her wouldn't be a problem. We've seen Trading
Spaces... We'd make the place look spiffy. With our two jobs together, we'd
have enough scratch to have the things we want. With her financial planning,
we'd have enough saved away to buy things later, too.
A few years down the road, we'd make a baby. With her experience as a child
in a home that was almost too perfect and my experience from dysfunctional
family land, I honestly think we'd make great parents. Our personalities
would offer the perfect balance that parents should be to their kids.
We probably would, with our house and our kids and our dog, live happily
every after... And all would be right with the world.
So, why don't I do that? Because we are... regardless of what we do that
makes it appear to the contrary... just friends.
Friends or no friends... As far as
activities go, we could say that we've been dating for the last five or six
years. I think that's what makes our relationship so odd for everyone else...
And what often makes it confusing to us, the involved parties.
We go out for dinner and a movie. We stay in, order pizza and watch a video.
We often sleep in the same bed. We hang out together. In the event of
incapacitation of either party, the other would be a better spokesperson
than the incapacitated party's parents. (If that makes any sense to you.)
We're partners in so many different projects. We help each other decorate
their home for the holidays. I know her better than anyone else on Earth.
I know her like I want to know my wife. But she's still just my friend. And
I hate that I feel bad to say that. I hate that "my friend" is all that she
is. I wish she was the one. And it kills me to know that if she read this,
she'd cry. I'm tired of knowing -- and denying -- that how I feel about things
is not the same as how she feels. And I'm tired of knowing that how I feel
about things might make her so terribly sad.
In the seven years since we dated, I've had a few relationships and a couple
of casual affairs. She has had none. It's not that she's not appealing. With
the occasional exception, she has a pretty good fashion sense. She has these
cute curly locks of shoulder-length hair. She's among the most caring people
I've ever met. She'd jump on a grenade for you. She exhibits loyalty that
you don't often find. But she's alone... And that's just not fair. She deserves
the fairy tale.
Of course, it is the fairy tale that I often tell her has caused her problems.
Once upon a time, I tell her, she had an image of what her life was going
to be like. Because things aren't as she wanted them to be, she deems life
as disappointing... I'm trying to show her that the plan changes -- sometimes
on a daily basis. I wish she'd do a better job of taking each day and seeing
where it takes her... Or, better yet, where she can take it. I think if she
followed a little Fletch philosophy, she'd be much happier.
Friday night,
Jessie
& I went out with a bunch of my friends to a club. There were these two
girls there -- friends of friends. I hit it off with one of them and the
two of us got along great all night. I wasn't doing anything wrong... just
hanging out with a girl.
Late last year, I had a fling of sorts. I didn't immediately tell
Jessie
and that caused some hostility. We've agreed to have an open friendship...
And I'll admit that keeping such information from her violated that agreement.
So, in the last few months, I've told her about making out with a girl or
two while out on the town. She seemed cool with it all. However,
Jessie
disappeared shortly after I paired up with this girl Friday night. I saw
very little of her for the rest of the night and what I did see didn't seem
happy. She later told me that she wasn't so much mad at me as she was at
herself... She said she felt jealous of the girl.
When she said that, my heart sank. This can't be good. I'm having flashbacks
to 1999. I told her as much on the phone tonight. She replied with a quick
and forceful, "fuck you."
For those of you not keeping score at
home...
In the summer of 1999,
Jessie
& I were getting along wonderfully. We were as close as we'd ever been
as friends. One night in August of that year, I slipped up and told her that
I loved her. Well, I did. It wasn't a lie. I just didn't know how I meant
it.
We talked about dating again. For a while, I was excited about the idea.
All of that changed when I returned to Oakdale for school in the fall. I
met
Lindsay...
And I fell for
Lindsay.
On December 4, 1999, I went out with
Lindsay
and I kissed her. That move broke
Jessie's
heart. It devastated her. In my 25 years on Earth, I've never hurt anyone
as much as I hurt
Jessie
by dating
Lindsay.
And as great as I felt while dating
Lindsay,
I still carry to this day the burden of hurting
Jessie.
At that time,
Jessie
would cry for no reason. When I would talk to her, she always seemed sad.
We'd try to talk through her feelings and we'd get nowhere. I spent the first
part of my birthday in 1999 sitting with her on my living room couch... crying
with
Jessie...
because I'd caused so much raw pain for my best friend.
I don't ever want to go through that again. Ever.
It spooks me that lately,
Jessie
is quick to cry over "little" things. She's so very emotional. All too often,
she sounds sad on the phone. She's jealous of me hanging out with other girls.
She's quick to dismiss her own opinion as worthless in a conversation --
a trait that is very much unlike her. It worries me that we when we try to
talk through her problems, we don't get very far. It bothers me that I feel
like I have some of the things she wants... and that it's impossible for
me to share. I'm concerned that I sometimes get angry when she acts so sad...
That I fight the urge to soften up sometimes and help her out... just because,
for the life of me, I don't want to go back to 1999.
I don't know what to do. Part of me
says I need to get her through the funk she's caught up in... and being a
catalyst for change is often my forte. But the other side wonders if she
shouldn't go teach at the University of Alaska or something. Maybe her best
friend is the last person she needs around. If how I live my life hurts her,
I can't be doing that much good, can I?
This is the confusing part. After talking through the story of what's going
on between us, nothing changes without some action. I have no idea what action
needs to be taken... Or who needs to take it. Something is wrong in her life
and something is wrong in our friendship. Regardless of where we end up after
the dust clears, something has to happen to resolve those problems. Maybe
it's asking too much, but I'd like for whatever it is to happen soon. We
can't go through this again... |
