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peak:
I'm not sure there is a legitimate peak to today.


valley:
Certainly, the way I feel... even though I'm not sure what I feel.... about last night.

noise:
. . . . .

food:
. . . . .


thoughts:
See entry at right.


365.25:
11 Feb. 2002
No entry.


730.50:
11 Feb. 2001
No entry.
Deadline Pressure

tuesday
02.11.03

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Quote du jour:
"Through the dance we both stumbled and with the buttons we fumbled, so we decided just to call it at friends. If we ever had a thing now it's over and only the memory remains..." -- "Every Time It Rains," Garth Brooks.


As quickly as it began, it's over.

Of course, the real question left unanswered is what exactly is over. And the absence of that answer may be why things have come to an end.

Monday night, Christy & I had planned to do the dinner and a movie date that we'd never been able to pull off. Obviously, we were never meant to see a movie together. The dinner part went off fairly well, but as we were leaving TGI Friday's to head over to the theater, our conversation turned serious.

We weren't supposed to have the "status talk." We'd already agreed that neither of us wanted that, but we ended up establishing a status for us before the night was over. We talked about the weird aspects of our relationship. We tried to sort through what we had and what we were shooting for. We tried to explain some early obstacles that we'd encountered and we talked about how things went too far too fast for us. In the end, I think we decided to call us friends. I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

I know that when I opened my door and saw her standing there Monday night -- some 11 days since I'd last seen her -- my soul said, "ahhhh." It felt good to see her. I din't know it until that moment, but I'd missed seeing her and spending time with her.

I knew that I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship before... and I know that I'm still probably not ready now... But I'm sad that I probably won't get the chance to be ready with her.

Of course, no one is dead here. And we're still just as close to each other -- geographically, at least -- as we were. So, I guess anything is possible when it come to the future of us as friends.


"I feel like we're breaking up... and we weren't even [boyfriend and girlfriend]." -- Christy, 10 February 2003.

Break up or not... Boyfriend & girlfriend or not... We had one of those post-break conversations. She said things like, "you're still going to call me, right?" and "we're still going to hang out, aren't we?"

I'd like the answers to her questions to be, "yes," but I have questions of my own from before... And they'e still unanswered. Of course, with yesterday's development, it's not like they need answers.

I wondered if I would be her rebound from a two-year relationship that had ended last year. She'd told me that she'd done the rebound thing already, but I still wondered. I was also curious if I'd be "too normal" for her. She's led a very interesting life lately and my existence sort of pales in comparison. I hoped that she was being honest when she said, "your normality is cool to me."

I walked her out to her car. It felt odd for her to be leaving and it not be morning. She was supposed to stay. Every other time we'd gotten together, we spent the night with each other. But that, too, was over.

We stood there by her car for a while in the cold night air. I told her that I'd call her... And I told her that I had one regret. I said that, "I wish I'd done this when you showed up tonight." I leaned over and kissed her. As I pulled away, she drew closer and kissed me. And then it was time for her to go.

When she showed up at my door earlier that night, I wanted to kiss her... But, for some reason, I didn't. I'm glad I got a second chance. Of course, whatever decision we came us with was mutual, but I'm sorry that our kiss goodbye didn't just apply to the night.

Today, I've felt a little empty. I'm told that I often keep people at arm's reach to avoid them getting too close. Maybe that's so I don't feel like I do today.


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