Wednesday, August 6, 2003
quote du jour:
"Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is." -- Diane Ackerman
She called to ask me if we could get together again before I left on vacation. She wanted to know if we could do something the next day. She wanted to know if she could spend the night. I told her that I would call her. I remember her saying exactly, "if you don't call, I'm never going to talk to you again."

I didn't call.

It's been exactly four weeks since the day Christy and I were supposed to get together. That's four weeks of no communication. That's 28 days since I gave her the shaft for absolutely no reason at all... And I'm no closer to figuring things out -- her & others -- than I was when I felt just a bit pressured on that July afternoon.

I guess I'm not used to being pursued by multiple women... and I totally don't mean to brag, but that's been the case lately. For the first time in my life, I have what I've always wanted in the woman department -- options. Yet, it seems that I'm not happy with any of them. I can't tell you how unbelievably unchartered this territory is.

Historically, I've been the nice guy. I'm the guy friend that girls have from whom they can gain a male perspective. I'm the guy friend that they can be themselves around because they don't expect me to put any sort of moves on them. I've always appreciated these friendships. Some of my best friends in the world fall into this category. The "guy friend" role was one I perfected in Oakdale... but then I moved.

Since coming to Franklin, I've found myself successfully upgrading the "guy friend" role to various degrees of physicalities. Last fall, Natalie came to visit and we test drove the benefits made famous in the term, "friends with benefits." Leeann and I just hung out for a while until one day, we found ourselves in bed. I'll admit that Robin and I had talked some shit before anything happened with us... but I figured talking shit was safe with her. She'd told me that she was going to put off having sex again until after she found "the one." She was obviously mistaken because I really don't think I'm "the one."

Go ahead and slap the return of Christy onto the top of this pile and you'll see that I'm dealing with a lot of shit here... and getting pulled in all sorts of directions. I guess my natural reaction to not knowing which direction to go in is to hunker down and go nowhere. As a result, I've neglected some pretty cool people. Christy is just the latest victim.

The problems with each are as different as the people themselves.

Natalie's problem is that she lives a zillion miles away. Okay, so it's not a zillion... but it is like three or four states north. I know, that's nothing. People have friendships and relationships over much greater distances... but I've developed this growing aversion to long ass phone calls lately. I want to talk with her. I want to know what she's doing. But I feel like I'm not as good of a friend as she needs right now... and don't much want to leave her disappointed.

I don't think I've talked to Leeann since the night of our indiscretion. The funny thing is that she voiced concern that I would think less of her... but the reason I haven't spoken with her has nothing to do with respect. It's just that as great of a person as she is... the connection isn't there. I feel like we went through the motions. Isn't life too short for that?

Robin and I are still in the middle of whatever it is that we're in the middle of. I say that because I myself don't really know what to call it. Friendship mostly and something else on special occasions and Canadian holidays. I do know that she is different from the others. She's close. She's legitimate. But she's not someone I want to be romantically involved in, so that leaves the intimacy and the friendship. I'm beginning to think the former isn't worth risking the latter.

The problem with me is that I'm getting older. I'm finding that my age is starting to take its toll. I now agree that love is the greatest turn-on. That's probably why I feel the way I do now. Love is the one thing I'm not sharing with any of these women.

I've never been one to need a relationship in order to function properly. I've taken them as they came and never really hunted them down. This is because, of course, the one thing you search for is the one thing that refuses to be found. (Who knew love and my car keys had so much in common?)

With that said, I guess I now know what I'm after but am convinced that I'll never find it if I go looking for it. That sounds simple enough.

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