I had a stack of real mail in the box outside of my apartment
when I came in from work yesterday. It was a nice change of pace from the
usual coupon books and mass mailings addressed to "occupant." Among the envelopes
was a card from
As friends, I've always been the one that goes off the deep end. I do the
mellow and heavy thing. I write long letters filled with emotion. With a
handful of exceptions, her job has been to avoid deep conversations with
me at all costs. Of course, our roles seemed to have been retired last weekend.
Her card, along with a handful of lengthy phone calls throughout the past
week, appear to be proof that things have indeed changed for the better.
Excerpts from the card:
"After this weekend,
my perceptions have changed about a
lot of things. Just getting these things off
my chest that I'd
never said and tried to avoid for nearly five
let's just say that it really helps a girl's
"I'm not sure what we are anymore. I know that
be friends -- but I think there is "more" --
now as to how that
is supposed to be interpreted is left up to
"We went to dinner on Friday and you did something
probably never even noticed. As we walked into
you put your hand on my lower back to usher
me into the
room through the door, and just like that I
was done. It was
Atlanta and D.C. and 4th of July 2000 all over
again. All of
those feelings that I had stored and hidden
were back just
like they had never gone away... maybe they
"Who's the one getting weird now? Take this
for what it is
worth to you. I just felt after all these years
more than the wall I constantly throw up as
Without you having the chance to know her as long as I have, there is probably
no way I can convey how out of character this would seem to be for
While it's not unfathomable for her to express her feelings -- she's done
that a few times before -- it is odd for her to be candid about those feelings
for any extended period of time. The card is just one example. We've talked
on the phone every night but one since she left
a week ago. Every conversation has seemed incredibly open & honest.
The real question is, "what now?"
and I managed a few short phone conversations last night. In one, I told
her that I'd received her card... but had only skimmed what she'd written.
Since she hadn't heard from me today, she called me about 10 tonight.
We talked a bit about what she had written. Since I'm totally lazy and haven't
sent her my letter, she asked me
to read it to her. I obliged. We agreed that we're probably thinking and
feeling many of the same things right now.
She mentioned distance as a possible problem. We're only three hours apart,
feel almost mutually exclusive. It's odd, actually. People from
rarely make it to
and vice versa. (I'm not just talking about my friends here.) More important
than any distance, however, is the ability to make time to do anything. For
the next few months, our schedules make that seem somewhat impossible.
I spoke frankly about how I didn't want to jump into anything too quickly.
If something is going to happen, it's happening after five years in the making.
There is no need to rush things now. I think the idea of a relationship is
something we both want to think about... I'm certainly not opposed to it...
But I think it's important to take things as they come. I want to be smart
and responsible on this deal.
She wondered aloud if
would have the attitude, "oh, no... not her again," if
and I were to get involved in something more than just friendship. The question
is legitimate. Her true feelings notwithstanding,
has never appeared to be keen on the girls I've dated.
& I had an honest discussion about her, too. We talked about how
brings stability and sensibility to my life. We talked about how so many
people I know think I'm a fool for not carrying her off to the alter.
confessed that it does seem like
is a good influence on my life. However, just because
& I work well together doesn't mean that what should be a foundation
for dating or marriage or whatever is in place. At least, I'm not sure that
I see it right now with
more importantly, I don't think I feel it. Of course, I'm not exactly
sure what I'm looking for, either.
We admitted to each other how some of the past sins of our fathers still
haunt us and affect our relationship decisions today...
We finally gave up and hung up after more than two hours on the phone. Needless
to say, there wasn't much
& I didn't talk about. I'm not sure if we came to any great
conclusions about anything... but we certainly had a good time just knowing
that the other person was thinking and feeling many of the same things.
These conversations are something, indeed. They're purging years of bullshit
build-up. I feel confident that if we keep doing what we're doing, things
will work out exactly as they should.