"I can see now I never really
committed to Laura. I always
had one foot out the door, and that prevented
me from doing
a lot of things, like thinking about my future
and... I guess it
made more sense to commit to nothing, keep
my options open.
And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."
- John Cusack
Rob Gordon in
I think I'm going to buy the High Fidelity DVD
this week. I love that movie for a lot of reasons. I like the actors. I like
the way John Cusack addresses the camera. I always love that in movies --
it's why I'm a big fan of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I like High Fidelity's
story. And I like those certain lines (like the one above) that weigh down
upon my mind like an overweight elephant. Yet, I don't own it. How can this
Go back and read that quote again.
What does that do to it?
I know I've posted that quote before. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'll
post it again in the future. I like it that much. Well, perhaps like is a
funny word to use. Every time I watch High Fidelity, that same line punches
me in the gut.
I'm not sure that I want to date
I'm not sure that I want to be more than friends with her. Yet, in the nearly
NINE years that we've been friends... we've just been playing around in an
extremely gray area. I'll be honest. We haven't just been friends. There
is something more there. Yet, I've certainly never given the idea of a serious
relationship with her any legitimate chance of survival.
Every now and then, a wave blows over me and I decide that perhaps my friendship
with her is much more than a friendship. I decide that perhaps a serious
dating relationship might be the way to go. But something always comes along
and distracts me or changes my mind. Fall 2003 is the perfect example.
Sometime around October, I was at a point where I thought that we might try
to upgrade our status. No sooner had I planted that idea in my brain did
drop back into my life. Of course, I had to go figure out what was up with
that, right? I'm still trying to figure it out.
"Should I bolt every
time I get that feeling in my gut when I
meet someone new? Well, I've been listening
to my gut since
I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've
come to the
conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."
- Rob Gordon
I understand what he's saying. One of
my biggest problems is that as soon as any new girl gives me any sort of
legitimate attention, I return the favor. That could be why I was involved
with so many women in 2003. New ones kept popping up. I know this trend should
probably stop... but when? And with who?
There are two ways of looking at this. In one, I have to be like ol' Rob
in the movie. I have to decide that I'm a fool to keep running. I have to
agree with nearly everyone in my life and concede that
is the best thing that could happen to me. On the other hand, what's to say
that something better isn't out there? Maybe the one I should stop with is
a few more people down the line.
is the one, shouldn't I feel that way seven days a week? Or have I bought
into some bullshit ideal of love? I won't lie. I often think that she might
be the one for me. I guess that happens when someone of the opposite sex
is your very best friend. But I don't feel that way all of the time. And
that's what I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for the day to come
when I wake up EVERY day and know she's it. That day hasn't come yet. And
now, at 26, I wonder if it's not here not because I don't love her... but
because I'm just crazy... because, perhaps, I'm the one that's not the same
everyday. Because, you know, I'm not.
Most of my eccentric friends think I'm pretty normal all of the time. My
friends that are more normal tend to think I'm someone eccentric. You'd think
that this would mean that I fall somewhere in the middle. But, in truth,
I'm a man of extremes.
I can be outgoing to the point of being overbearing in one moment but be
wallflower shy in the next. Some days, I seek out sudden and dramatic change
merely for the sake of change. Yet, on other days, I long for comfort,
familiarity & normalcy. I'm always bouncing back and forth between the
side of me that wants to settle down and the side that wants to be 26
Should I expect love to extend through to all of the crevices of my personality.
If not, we may not have a relationship saga. We might just have a winner.
Because if I'm not supposed to feel it all of the time, then
might just be the one. But I still think that I should feel it every day...
and if not all of the time... most of the time. That's what I'm waiting for
and it's not here yet. If it's coming, I wish it'd hurry up. If it's not
going to show, well then, I wish someone would come along and take my mind
off it all.