Wednesday, January 7, 2004
quote du jour:
"Our lives improve only when we take chances -- and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." - Walter Anderson

     "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always
     had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing
     a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it
     made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open.
     And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments." - John Cusack as
     Rob Gordon in High Fidelity

I think I'm going to buy the High Fidelity DVD this week. I love that movie for a lot of reasons. I like the actors. I like the way John Cusack addresses the camera. I always love that in movies -- it's why I'm a big fan of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I like High Fidelity's story. And I like those certain lines (like the one above) that weigh down upon my mind like an overweight elephant. Yet, I don't own it. How can this be?

Go back and read that quote again.

Swap Jessie for Laura.

What does that do to it?

I know I've posted that quote before. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'll post it again in the future. I like it that much. Well, perhaps like is a funny word to use. Every time I watch High Fidelity, that same line punches me in the gut.

I'm not sure that I want to date Jessie. I'm not sure that I want to be more than friends with her. Yet, in the nearly NINE years that we've been friends... we've just been playing around in an extremely gray area. I'll be honest. We haven't just been friends. There is something more there. Yet, I've certainly never given the idea of a serious relationship with her any legitimate chance of survival.

Every now and then, a wave blows over me and I decide that perhaps my friendship with her is much more than a friendship. I decide that perhaps a serious dating relationship might be the way to go. But something always comes along and distracts me or changes my mind. Fall 2003 is the perfect example.

Sometime around October, I was at a point where I thought that we might try to upgrade our status. No sooner had I planted that idea in my brain did Alex drop back into my life. Of course, I had to go figure out what was up with that, right? I'm still trying to figure it out.

     "Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I
     meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since
     I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the
     conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." - Rob Gordon

I understand what he's saying. One of my biggest problems is that as soon as any new girl gives me any sort of legitimate attention, I return the favor. That could be why I was involved with so many women in 2003. New ones kept popping up. I know this trend should probably stop... but when? And with who?

There are two ways of looking at this. In one, I have to be like ol' Rob in the movie. I have to decide that I'm a fool to keep running. I have to agree with nearly everyone in my life and concede that Jessie is the best thing that could happen to me. On the other hand, what's to say that something better isn't out there? Maybe the one I should stop with is a few more people down the line.

If Jessie is the one, shouldn't I feel that way seven days a week? Or have I bought into some bullshit ideal of love? I won't lie. I often think that she might be the one for me. I guess that happens when someone of the opposite sex is your very best friend. But I don't feel that way all of the time. And that's what I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for the day to come when I wake up EVERY day and know she's it. That day hasn't come yet. And now, at 26, I wonder if it's not here not because I don't love her... but because I'm just crazy... because, perhaps, I'm the one that's not the same everyday. Because, you know, I'm not.

Most of my eccentric friends think I'm pretty normal all of the time. My friends that are more normal tend to think I'm someone eccentric. You'd think that this would mean that I fall somewhere in the middle. But, in truth, I'm a man of extremes.

I can be outgoing to the point of being overbearing in one moment but be wallflower shy in the next. Some days, I seek out sudden and dramatic change merely for the sake of change. Yet, on other days, I long for comfort, familiarity & normalcy. I'm always bouncing back and forth between the side of me that wants to settle down and the side that wants to be 26 forever.

Should I expect love to extend through to all of the crevices of my personality. If not, we may not have a relationship saga. We might just have a winner. Because if I'm not supposed to feel it all of the time, then Jessie might just be the one. But I still think that I should feel it every day... and if not all of the time... most of the time. That's what I'm waiting for and it's not here yet. If it's coming, I wish it'd hurry up. If it's not going to show, well then, I wish someone would come along and take my mind off it all.

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