"Our lives improve only when we take chances -- and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." - Walter Anderson
K
eyboards can affect your writing. The Dell keyboard is quiet. It's a stealth
board of sorts... just enough click to let you know that you're hitting the
keys without so much clack that you are distracted.
The Gateway I'm on right now, however... is a full-scale noisy keyboard.
But, for some reason, I like that right now. It's a good noise. By simply
typing these few sentences, I sound like an entire secretarial pool.
It's just shy of Midnight on Mardi Gras.
The police and street sweepers are lining up downtown and the party is about
to end. Carnival is soon to be over. I'm hanging out in
Zoë
& Patrick's guest bedroom. I've hijacked their computer because I can't
seem to write longhand -- regardless how hard I try.
Today was a good day. We woke up just shy of the butt crack of dawn. We packed
a cooler full of beer, daquiries & junk food. We camped out along Veterans
Boulevard in Metairie and caught an entire carnival season's worth of beads
through three parades.
Maria
drove in last night to join us and I really had fun just the four of us out
in the mist. (Thank God the rains stayed away.)
Certainly, there could have been a fifth person along today... and yesterday...
and the day before... and the day before and... Well, you get the picture.
I'm talking about
Jessie.
I know she wanted to come as there is no doubt how much she loves carnival.
However, we definitely have issues we have to work out. And selfishly, but
most importantly, I needed a vacation alone.
It was 505 miles from Franklin to Kenner, Louisiana and I needed that many
or more to get into a good mindset. The pressure of work & relationships
has been too much to bear lately. I've done my best to ignore the relationship
saga so that I could get work stuff done. I'm guessing that my ignoring days
are over.
I think
Jessie
threw me an ultimatum when I saw her Thursday afternoon. She says that she
can't take being my friend. It's obviously too much for her. She says that
she hasn't gotten over being rejected by me last month and doesn't think
she can. She even said that she'd gone through her apartment and made a list
of the all the stuff of mine that she'd have to pack up and send to me.
Wow.
It was sort of odd. She said that she was not going to issue a formal ultimatum
-- to date or cut ties -- because she said that Fletch is the kind of guy
to call someone on their bluff. Of course, she followed that up with a warning
that if I called her bluff... she wouldn't be around. Whether you've been
reading me for a month or for nearly all four years, you know how crazy the
Jessie
issue has been. I've been confused about her forever. Maybe now, things have
to be decided.
I've been around
Zoë
& Patrick for almost all of my trip down here. They were just married
in December and are very much in love. Of course, their marriage is new but
their relationship is anything but. They've been dating for nearly as long
as I've known either of them. I've always set my benchmark for a loving
relationship on what they have. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong.
Certainly, I still think everyone has The One. I think you feel it... and
you know it... But what I haven't realized is that it feels different to
everyone. Regardless of any decision I make, I've gotta go and figure things
out on the Thomas Fletcher scale of love... not
Zoë's
or Patrick's or anyone elses. Granted, that might be a tough project. I've
failed to be honest about relationships for so long, it's going to be hard.
To be honest in a relationship, you have to give up a piece of you to someone
else. I'm not good at that.
I've decided that through the various women I've been involved with, I've
rarely given them any of me. With most, I considered that a fair trade because
I didn't take too much of them, either. The relationships were just two people
sharing the same space... not much else. How can anyone ever find love with
an attitude like that?
So often, I don't question whether or not I'd like to date
Jessie...
but it's whether or not she's The One. I think I've been looking at that
the wrong way, too. How can anyone be The One without being in a mutually
loving relationship... a relationship where everything is a two-way street?
I'm not sure they can.
At one of the New Orleans parades Saturday night, I overheard a group of
girls talking about a spoiled relationship that a friend of theirs just ended.
It seems that the boy she was dating acted like her boyfriend only when it
was convenient for him. I have no idea who they were talking about... but
I know that they were telling my story. Perhaps, that's how I've been dealing
with
Jessie.
And perhaps, it's time for that to end.
I think
Jessie
and I would have started a serious dating relationship by now if it wasn't
for my fear of hurting her. For so long, I didn't want to date her because
I worried about how she would act if things didn't work out. Well, now I'm
facing the thought of losing her without ever having given a relationship
between the two of us a chance. To let her slip away now would most certainly
be a mistake.
Copyright © 2004, Thomas Fletcher. All Rights Reserved.