Wednesday, September 8, 2004
quote du jour:
"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable."- Joseph Addison

I wasn't far from the truth when I said that I was drowning in a big ol' vat of crazy... And this particular vat is deep and the crazy is quite sticky.

I feel about as stressed right now as I have since I moved to Franklin two years ago. Some of the problems bearing down are my own, some have been caused by others and some are a combination of both. To add to the frustration, they are all complicated by a feeling of unsettledness. So many things seem out of place...

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I live in a new place. It's about 800 times better than the old place, but it's still new. I haven't been here three weeks yet, so I still have plenty of stuff in boxes and I can't always find where I put the stuff that has been unpacked. I still botch my new address from time to time when writing it down.

My truck was stolen. I know... We've already covered this topic. Yet, having someone take your shit will definitely leave you feeling unsettled. Also, having them steal some 30 or 40 of my favorite CDs isn't helping matters, either. Music is a big part of my life and I'm missing a big part of my music that I won't get back because of insurance issues.

Work. I could sit down, take the next week and write an extensive novel on this subject and still wouldn't feel any better about it. I love what I do for a living. Being a firefighter is what I want to do right now. However, there are plenty of kooky folks out there that make being a firefighter unnecessarily complicated -- both within and beyond the rank and file members of the department. As long as I don't think about the problems within our department... I'm happy. But you know me. I'm a thinker. That creates a problem.

Work, Part II. In addition to the organizational issues that have me bummed, we're also shuffling shift assignments in the very near future. I'm not opposed to the people I'll be working with, but this will be a completely new situation. Everything will be new -- new boss, new people underneath me, a new way of doing everything. I'm not opposed to change... but even positive change can leave you feeling unsettled.

Terrible luck. Everything I touch lately seems to get fucked up. I picked up a screw in one of my tires a couple of weeks ago and had a flat. Using a Ford jack for the first time was more complicated than it should have been. When I go to a restaurant, they don't have what I want or, if they do, they screw it up at least once before I get to eat. This morning, my cell phone display blew up. I can't read 89% of the screen. I have no insurance and no money. I made a clerical error that made me think I'd paid my truck payment when, in reality, I hadn't and had to pay $25 in late charges with money that I didn't really have. Comcast is on a personal quest to drive me insane. I'm averaging a bill a week from them and they can't decide if I'm adding services or cancelling them (neither, really). I have a pimple in my ear. Damn, if that doesn't take the cake... I don't know what does. A pimple, people... In my ear.

Relationships. I think Jessie & I may be developing a pretty good one, but I still wonder if I'm making the right choices. I think of Alex often and weigh the decisions I've made against each other. Yeah, I know that's crazy. For the first time, I'm not trying to find my way out of a relationship... but I do want to do things right by all parties involved. I don't want to be my father.

Finances. I must be doing something wrong here because I have no money. I make a decent wage, but I can't seem to do much with it. I see folks who make as much (or a bit less) than I with more expensive vehicles and houses. Yet, I'm strapped just by paying for a one-bedroom apartment a year-old truck. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it tends to take the edge off frustration.

My roots. The after-effects of college are taking their toll on the friends I made there. Everyone is spreading out and settling into their adult jobs. I see less and less of the people who were so important to me just two years ago. And this is particularly devastating because many of them are still important to me. I like the people I know here in Franklin... but the simple truth is that I know 99% of them through work. I miss having friends with different backgrounds and different ways of looking at things. Additionally, the places that I called home in college are being torn down. In the near future, all three of the dorms I lived in at Oakdale will have been torn down to make way for new construction. God knows they should have brought them down years ago... but it's sad to loose yet another connection to a place & time I loved.

Many of the pieces of a good life are here and that fact makes me feel shitty about complaining... I realize that I'm blessed to have what I have. Yet, I'm ready to tie stuff down where it belongs before the load shifts and somebody -- namely, me -- get's squished.

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